Why The "House of Skulltula" Sidequest Reward SUCKS

So, I've been replaying Ocarina of Time and Majora's Mask - of course opting for the portable remakes on the 3DS - and something really, *really* pissed me off.

Fans of the game will already no doubt be aware of the House of Skulltula in Kakariko Village from Ocarina of Time. The apparently wealthy family have all been cursed and disfigured into weird spider-human hybrid creatures. The only way to save them is to seek out and destroy the 100 Golden Skulltulas that are hidden throughout Hyrule - some you must defeat in the past as a child, some you must defeat in the future as an adult.

Each time you defeat 10 Skulltulas, one of the five children will be turned back to normal and will present you with a gift. 10 for the first, 20 for the second etc. Their father requires all 100 to have been destroyed before he turns back to normal.

So why does this sidequest piss me off so much? Well, to put it simply - you spent virtually the entire game destroying these damn things, backtracking, time-travelling, warping, riding magic beanstalks and playing the Sun's Song until your fingers fall off - you crawl back to Kakariko Village clutching the 100 shiny Golden Skulltula tokens, only for the patriarch of the family to present you with...

A huge rupee. 200 rupees. Are you fucking serious.

The five children all give you fairly decent rewards - the adult and giant wallets are pretty cool, the piece of heart is always welcomed, the Stone/Shard of Agony is awesome - the Bombchus are kinda meh but still an acceptable prize - why the hell does their father, who to rescue might I add you need to defeat another FIFTY Golden Skulltulas then proceed to present you with the shittiest and most useless reward ever?

By the time you've defeated all 100 Golden Skulltulas, you've quite clearly finished the Spirit Temple - you're 95% of the way through the game. Guaranteed if you're a completionist you'll have already collected all of the heart pieces, bottles and whatnot - and no doubt you're walking around with an overflowing giant's wallet with fuck all to spend your 500 rupees on. So WHY does this moron feel the need to present you with 200 fucking rupees?!

To be honest, I always find rupees in Zelda games to be absolutely terrible quest rewards. You find rupees from cutting grass, killing enemies, winning mini-games and finding hidden treasure chests - there is absolutely no need whatsoever to complete practically a game-long quest to collect (or destroy in this case) ONE HUNDRED well-hidden things just to be blindly given more money!

I mean sure, this *might* have been acceptable in Majora's Mask - after all, you're tasked with amassing 5000 rupees in your savings in order to earn a heart piece... And of course due to the 3-day repeating mechanic, you're often tasked with needing to re-buy items instead of wasting time harvesting them. Items also tend to be more expensive in general - like the Goron Powder Kegs that cost 100 rupees (and you'll need several of them in order to complete all of the sidequests) and the 500 rupee All-Night Mask. The most expensive thing in Ocarina of Time are the Goron/Zora tunics from their respective merchants - which you'll only need to buy if you were careless and let a bastard Like-Like eat your clothes.

Again I compare this to the far superior game, Majora's Mask and its "big" sidequest if you like - collecting all of the masks and trading them with the children on the moon for the Fierce Deity Mask. Sure, this is an optional item - but it's also totally fucking awesome. It's immensely satisfying to be rewarded for your dedication by being handed what is essentially a giant FUCK YOU button to the final boss - making it insultingly easy. 

What the hell is 200 rupees going to do against Ganondorf? Such a missed opportunity here to do something similar - or even redirect the final Great Fairy's defense upgrade reward - which also comes far too bloody late in the game to be of any real use - but is certainly more useful than pointless money that wouldn't even fit in my wallet.

What Was Wrong With Brutal Legend?

For Christmas 2009, I received a shiny Xbox 360 and a stack of games - some pretty cool ones, some pretty average ones - and one I'd seen dancing about on the Internet a lot at the time, Brutal Legend.

I'm a massive fan of heavy metal - ever since I was a kid - I grew up listening to hard rock in my dad's car, 70s bands like Rainbow, ZZTop, Deep Purple and Whitesnake. When I discovered the joy of Limewire and Bearshare in my early teens, I discovered Slipknot, Cannibal Corpse and Rammstein - and then bought all of their albums - see, I rectified my piracy!

Heavy metal is still the soundtrack to my life - or any kind of metal, rock and punk to be fair - my wardrobe still consists of mainly band t-shirts and I still enjoy the odd headbanging session when I get the freedom to blast some music when I'm home alone.

Given this, it's no surprise that Brutal Legend appealed to me. Granted, I can't stand Jack Black - I like Tenacious D, but I cannot abide him as an “actor,” he grates on me something chronic.

From what I'd seen of Brutal Legend, it looked like a fun sandbox hack and slash based around heavy metal culture - with lots of cameos by awesome musicians, tons of references and homages and of course, a great soundtrack.

So imagine my disappointment as I gradually progressed through the game and all of the fun exploring at leisure and finding hidden collectables was buried under a mountain of God damn REAL TIME STRATEGY.

RTS is one of the genres that divides gamers - you either like them or they make you want to pull out your back molars with a pair of rusty pliers. Guess which side I'm on?

RTS bores me to tears - the only ones I can tolerate are tower defence style games, and even then I only really like the silly ones like Plants VS Zombies and South Park: Let's Go Tower Defence Play. And I'm not sure what it is that puts me off RTS games - I've given them a go multiple times throughout my life, starting early with the Asterix themed one on the PS1 - which at least had the deceny to break up the monotony with a handful of naff platforming sections. Jesus Christ; I still have flashbacks to the endless pouring of magic potions into Gaul and the constant deployment of cheaty scumbag Roman soldiers.

The main problem with Brutal Legend is that it hid it's RTS core from us. The trailers painted an image of explorative sandbox loveliness - it's like you went on a date with someone who claimed to hate One Direction but upon arriving to their place for “coffee,” it was served in mugs shaped like Harry Styles hair, then you were invited to a romp on their 1D bedsheets with a teeny bopper soundtrack.

The developers of Brutal Legend KNEW that if they blatantly told us it was an RTS, they'd immediately eliminate over half of their potential audience. So they tricked us, and we were starry eyed and stupid enough to fall for it. And I personally don't enjoy being tricked into doing things I'm uncomfortable with (see previous paragraph.)

If I ever figure out why RTS isn't for me, I'll let you know - but for the time being all you need to know is I don't like them and I DO like heavy metal inspired hack and slash sandboxes - or I would, if Brutal Legend had actually given me one...

I HATE FUNKO POPS

With the constant threat of global warming and the exhaustion of the earth's fossil fuel supply - we need to attack the source - which company is wasting a vast amount of plastic that could be better used elsewhere?

Coca Cola? Lots of plastic bottles… no.
Amazon and eBay? Lots of plastic packaging… no.
McDonald's? Plastic cups and straws? ...no.

The company that is to blame for wasting massive amounts of plastic and simultaneously charging consumers an extortionate amount as they do so - FUNKO POP.

I am fucking sick of God damn Pop Vinyl figures. They're everywhere, they're ugly and they represent a far greater evil than the depletion of fossil fuels - to homogenise and destroy every single franchise we hold dear.

Whether it's The Walking Dead or Winnie the fucking Pooh - every single Funko Pop figure is exactly the same - they've stripped each character of their own individuality and personality by inflating their heads and dilating their pupils to the point where they'd be admitted to A&E.

They've somehow managed to emasculate every franchise made for adults and somehow make children's franchises even more sickening. I don't understand the appeal of collecting figures where every single character is exactly the same!

To further add insult to injury - they're inescapable - whether you're at a game store, comic shop, convention or event - you'll be greeted by endless walls of these monstrosities everywhere you turn.

And god forbid you subscribe to one of the fifty thousand mystery subscription boxes plaguing the Internet - you won't be able to open your mail without getting gang raped by physically deformed plastic dwarfs.

Through absolutely no fault of my own, I've somehow ended up with 3 of these fucking things - and I have never knowingly or willingly purchased one!

Which brings me to my next point - in cases where they somehow CAN'T mutilate one of our beloved fictional characters, they just release a generic figurine that doesn't fit in with the rest of the mutants. Some examples that immediately spring to mind are Alduin from Skyrim, the Rosie from Bioshock and one from my own reluctant “collection” - Claptrap from Borderlands.

This is CHEATING - you've assigned yourself to warping all of these characters into goblins with bee stings all over their heads - stick to your own god damn formula! Don't just release generic figures that the original creators could have made themselves - at a higher quality, no less.

And to any franchise that does whore out their property to Funko - you're nothing but SELL OUTS, pure and simple. Aw, you're not selling enough Walking Dead comics - better inflate all of your characters into toddler toys.

Not making enough money from putting Bioshock on sale on Steam every 3 seconds? Better turn on the fucking BIG HEAD MODE cheat! Scratch that - the aborted EMBRYO cheat.

Funko Pop themselves are even sell outs - shoehorning their ugly wastes of plastic into keyrings, blind bags and other massively overpriced merchandise that can be further overpriced by some scummy vendor at a comic convention.

And if I open another parcel to have yet another fugly fucking Funko Pop leap out at me - I'm going to personally strap down Funko’s CEO, fill their eyeballs with ink and inject their skulls with silicone until they can see for themselves what they're doing to our favourite characters. Saying that, the tortured CEO Funko would probably sell for like £300 on eBay after it got vaulted.

Unboxing: Candy Crush Saga Easter Egg

I'm sure if you're a long time reader, you know what my opinion on Candy Crush Saga and other shitty mobile games is. King are churning out game after game with no difference in gameplay and stupid morons continue to pay for microtransactions like lives, or willingly consume shittons of adverts. Stop it, you dumb sheeple!

Anyway, Shelly and I like to buy each other an Easter egg every year. Why should we be deprived of that just because we're 24 and 27? Why should all the little kids get all the damn chocolate?

Shelly spotted THIS Easter egg in Asda. It cost £4 - which is probably due to the fact it also comes with a mug. She agreed to let me film an angry rant/unboxing video - providing I didn't eat any of the chocolate.

Underwhelmed and disappointed doesn't even begin to come close...

Fallout 4 Beer: Thoughts of a Cynical, Teetotal Brit

If you've even remotley interested in following the news about Fallout 4 - you've no doubt seen the many special editions, limited runs of merchandise, the collector's edition strategy guides and store/site exclusive deals and bundles - personally I'm getting the PC version from Amazon, with their limited edition artbook and stuff, and the collector's edition of the survival guide.

But have you seen this?

This is Fallout beer - and as far as I know, it's exclusive to us gamers here in the UK. The beer itself is made by Carlsberg, comes in crates of 12 and you need to be over 18 in order to purchase it - 18 of course, being both our legal drinking age and the PEGI rating for Fallout 4.

But I shan't be buying it. Why? Well, there's a few reasons.

1. I don't really drink - and when I do drink, I drink peach schnapps with a mixer, or just plain fruit cider - beer is fucking awful, I would rather drink cat piss - and I could get that for free.

2. The crate retails for £30 - which is £2.50 PER BOTTLE. Beer should not be that fucking expensive. I've seen some single bottles of ciders retail for around that price - but unless we're in some skanky bar, beer shouldn't cost that much. They're also only 330ml - the same amount that's in a tin of pop - not the standard 500ml! (And again, 500ml is the same as a bottle of pop, for those who aren't metric-ally minded.)

3. Even if I was going to keep them as a collectable - how long will it be before the beer goes off? I know beer itself is fermented - but it seems more likely that the empty bottles will become collectables, rather than the full ones - and there doesn't seem to be a really limited supply - so they won't be worth much for a while anyway. Also, how am I supposed to keep them safe? Everything on my collectables shelf is at risk of being knocked off by cats - most of the things are plastic or metal, and won't break if knocked. Keeping full glass bottles safe would just be a massive pain in the arse.

4. Fallout 4 beer has NOTHING to do with Fallout. Remember the beer bottles in Fallout? They're plain brown, and most likely brewed by Wasteland survivors. There is no branded beer available in the Wasteland - so why didn't they market a product that actually IS? Nuka Cola is the obvious choice of course, but some argue that that isn't possible due to the blatant parodying of Coca-Cola - OK fine, then what about Sunset Sarsaparilla? That's a unique Fallout product. What about their brands of scotch and whiskey? They have labels. Admittedly, a bottle of scotch or whiskey would retail for far more than beer - but I still bet people would buy it.

And why does it have to be a drink? Market some Fallout snacks - fucking Sugar Bombs, Radioactive Gum Drops, Bubblegum that comes with a pirate tattoo - fuck, even some real branded food products - I'll bet Kraft would do a deal and make real Blamco Mac N Cheese, Heinz could cash in with Pork N Beans - there's so much wasted potential here. 

And let's not forget, Fallout have included a REAL WORLD product in their games before. Bawls Guarana - a real-world energy drink that comes in blue glass bottles was featured in advertising and as a pick-up item in the spin-off game Fallout: Brotherhood of Steel. I bought some bottles to try just because of that game. It seems bloody standard for games nowadays to be filled with product placement - would it be too weird to have a dusty old bottle or irradiated package of a real-world product? Probably not.

Fable Anniversary's Pause Screen Suggestion

While playing Fable Anniversary, if the batteries in your Xbox controller die or a wired controller is unplugged, you will be greeted with this message:

This is why is love Fable; it's SO BRITISH. And it's not the sort of British most video games are - either taking the piss out of Britain or completely misinterpreting Britain. I know most Americans, when they think of the UK will think of LONDON and nothing else. A "British" accent is a London accent - which in itself is a misnomer, there are shitloads of boroughs (and for Americans, that is pronounced like "burrows") of London, all with their own unique accents and dialects. Most people from outside of the UK have no idea where I'm from, because my accent "doesn't sound British". 

In addition, if there's ever a level or world based on the UK, what do they use? Tower Bridge, the Houses of Parliament, Buckingham fucking Palace, the London Eye and Big Ben - London, London, London, London and London. I'm from the UK and I've never even BEEN to London! The closest thing to London I've visited is Essex - and if you don't live in the UK, you won't know where that is either. Ugh. 

Rant over, I think I shall take the pause screen's advice and treat myself to a cup of tea AND an apple.

I've just noticed how FUCKED that picture looks. The mug is one of those oversized ones and the apple is one of those mini kids' apples. Whoops. :)

The Impossible Quiz: Differences Between The Flash & Phone Versions

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WARNING:

If you have never played The Impossible Quiz before, 

PLAY IT NOW, then come back. 

I give away a lot of the answers in the following VERY LONG rant. Oh, and this rant is also VERY LONG.

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One of my favourite flash games is The Impossible Quiz, made by some hilarious and very talented British dude who goes under the name Splapp-Me-Do. I first found the game in around 2008 when it was only available to play through NotDoppler and of course, there was no such thing as an app version for your non-existent smartphones. 

After I finally got myself a smartphone (albeit a very obsolete Samsung Galaxy S2 that my mam gave me for nowt after she upgraded to an S4), I downloaded the free app and straight away I noticed that there had been significant changes made to the game.

Now I recommend playing The Impossible Quiz to EVERYONE. Anyone who has a half-decent computer that can manage to run an 8MB flash game - but if someone were to ask: "the flash version, or the phone version?" - I'd say the flash version. Here is why:

1) The flash version is the original - everything was made by hand, it has the original music and sound effects and none of the questions had to be changed.

2) The flash version is EASIER. Yes, most of the questions are the same, but for the questions that don't involve simply clicking an answer, using a mouse is a million times easier than sliding your fat sweaty fingers all over a screen that's like 3 inches wide. 

3) Some questions are FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE on the phone version. Some questions on the flash version allow you to run your mouse over the screen to find hidden buttons or to read all available answers before you click them. On the phone, you have to press and hold your finger as you slide it around a tiny screen, all of the information being blocked by your hand as your timer ticks down. Seriously. I've never actually completed The Impossible Quiz on the phone version because I have to skip question #92. And (*SPOILERS*), you require all of your skips to complete the final question, question #110. 

4) As well as making these quizzes, Splapp-Me-Do has also made some cool flash videos on NewGrounds - my favourites being Badly Drawn Dog and Sonic Breaks His Neck. The original flash version of The Impossible Quiz contains numerous nods to Splapp's earlier works, but the phone version has had a lot of them removed for some reason.

As I've finally figured out how to take screenshots on my phone, I've taken some shots of the phone version and some print screens of the original flash version and I'll show you the numerous differences that I noticed:

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Firstly, I'll start with some basic differences. For a start, the music is different. The original flash version's background music included the Rocky theme and Misirlou by Dick Dale for "The Epic 10" final group of questions. I have no idea what the music in the flash version is called, whether it's original music or not.

The flash version's questions were all written by hand - it gave the game a unique home-made style quality to it. The phone's version's questions are all written in the same font.  

Flash Version Title Screen

Phone Version Title Screen

This one is annoying. The whole point of The Impossible Quiz is that it's (almost) impossible. You have 3 lives and you need to answer 110 questions - some with countdown timers and some with insta-kills for incorrect answers. For some reason, the phone version introduced "Moron Marks", which act as checkpoints. Fair enough, when you use them you have to click through screen after screen of yes or no questions to confirm that you're a) a moron, b) of low intelligence, c) a quitter etc. I just think this whole system takes something away from the original concept; and I'm sure all of the other people (including myself) who managed to beat the original flash game without this little cheaty system will agree with me.  

The first question that is different is question #26, "Which of these place names doesn't exist?" - I love this one, namely because all of the real places are in the UK and I've seen several of them whilst out on the motorways. The correct answer is "Arsefacey", no such place exists (in the UK anyway).

I don't get why this question was changed? If it's because of causing possible offence, why not remove "Brown Willy" as well? And remember, in Britain 'arse' is a swearword too. And if it's because of too many little answers to click on a small screen - why not change practically all of the questions from "The Epic 10" too?

PC Version Question #26

Phone Version Question #26

The next question is question #34. In the PC version, the hint was: "Elephants don't like mice!" - in order to get the elephants to run into the mouse-hole, you simply moved your mouse cursor off the screen. Very clever. The phone's version is: "Elephants like being touched!" - do they? Yes, I know the question wouldn't have made sense otherwise, with there being no mouse and all, but I just think it's strange...

PC Version Question #34

Phone Version Question #34

Next is Question #40. I couldn't get a screenshot of the phone version of this because every time I tried, I failed the question because I took my finger off the screen (apparently). 

There are 3 different questions like this in both versions of The Impossible Quiz in which you have to navigate your mouse/finger though a maze of colour. In the flash version, you need to not touch the pink background by pressing right click and moving your cursor over the flash options menu. This is so fucking awesome. In the phone version, the hint is: "If only you had two fingers...", you keep one finger held on the left and tap on the right with another one. It's just not as epic, is it?

Next is question #43. Again, I have no idea why this one was changed, I'll leave you to draw your own conclusions. I do however really like the replacement phone version's question. Probably more than I like the original one. (The PC version's answer is "Tom Cruise", the phone version's answer is "Cataracts".)

PC Version Question #43

Phone Version Question #43

Question #46. The PC original has a screenshot from one of Splapp's flash movies I mentioned earlier; Sonic Breaks His Neck, with the answer to the "question" being: "OMGF U KILLED SONIKKU U BASTUD", Splapp himself previously stating this was a comment he got on NewGrounds. The phone version's question is far less interesting. The answer is just: "No".

PC Version Question #46

Phone Version Question #46

Question #53. Now this one I DO understand the change. A lot of flash games and movies get away with a lot because people tend not to make money from them, either from advertising revenue or whatever. The phone version of The Impossible Quiz DOES have adverts, so obviously, the game itself can't contain any. 

The PC version has a photo of a jar of Marmite (blargh!), while the phone version simply says: "Ma might". Which I think kinda ruins the whole joke. It's not like Splapp never mentions products or people in any of the other questions, so why not just write "Marmite?", it would make more sense. (The answer is: "...But Pa might not", by the way.)

PC Version Question #53

Phone Version Question #53

Next is question #59 - again I only have a screenshot of the PC version because you're on a 10-second timer and taking screenshots on the phone takes a few seconds to respond. This is a very minor difference; in the PC version, you are prompted with the text: "Charge ur lazer!", the whole question is an obvious reference to the popular meme of the time. The phone version is the same, it just lacks the text prompt. 

PC Version Question #59

Question #64 again is a case of changing the question due to not being able to advertise. The original question asks: "Which is true?" and 3 of the answers involve comparing the Nintendo DS to the Sony PSP. In the answer key, Splapp stated that the question was a sort of statement against console fanboys. The phone version replaces 'DS' and 'PSP' with the American organisations 'CIA' and 'FBI' - which I think is weird, considering that Splapp is British. Anyway, the correct answer in both versions is "Egg > 28".

PC Version Question #64

Phone Version Question #64

In question #71, a green square rapidly moves around the four answer boxes and you have to time your click/press so that you hit the green square. In the PC version, the text says: "Oh Christ...", the phone version says: "Oh drat..." - I assume the change was made to avoid offending overly religious Americans. Here in the UK, the vast majority of us don't give a shit about casual blasphemy.

PC Version Question #71

Phone Version Question #71

Question #71 has a weird change - you are faced with a black screen and need to find the light switch - which is on the far left side of the screen. Pressing it will cause the lights to come on, and you're presented with a picture of a lemur. I couldn't get a screenshot of the phone version because it only stays on for like 2 seconds, but the two photos are of different lemurs. This I do know, the phone version is of a ring-tailed lemur who looks very angry. Googling "angry ring tailed lemur" is not bringing up the picture unfortunately. 

PC Version Question #72

Question #80 has a complete change of question, again I don't know why. My only theory is that possibly some Romanians who don't bathe often enough were offended by the 'filthy Romanians' remark. Anyway, that's the correct answer to the PC version, but the phone version has a question that's similar to one from The Impossible Quiz 2. You have to press the "R" - get it, poke R?

PC Version Question #80

Phone Version Question #80

Question #83 is another straight change, but questions I really like, I can't decide which one is better... Probably the phone version because the PC version is a very old and overused joke. Who knows why this was changed? Maybe Splapp was overrun with comments from people who can't spell? Regardless, the answers are: "National Dyslexic Association" and "Fish". 

PC Version Question #83

Phone Version Question #83

Question #86 is a total change again, but I think I know why this one was done. The original PC version is a reference to the Katamari Damacy series, the answer is "The Prince", he wears green clothes and the 'sticky balls' are the Katamaris. Perhaps this is another case of not being able to advertise other games/products. The phone version is another old, terrible joke turned into a question, the answer is "Spain". 

PC Version Question #86

Phone Version Question #86

Question #88 was totally changed and I have no idea why. The PC version is like an interactive section from Splapp's flash movie 'Sonic Breaks His Neck', you need to click his leg rapidly in order to get Dr. Robotnik to snap it in half, then blood pours out everywhere. The phone version is a normal question, but retains the 10 second bomb countdown. The answer is "backwards stars", of course. (By the way, check out my dangerous timer on the phone version screenshot! Fucking wow. :P)

PC Version Question #88

Phone Version Question #88

Question #90 was totally changed too. Again, I can't figure out why - unless it was to respect the late Michael Jackson, who was still alive when the original game was made. Anyway, the answers are "Nonce", and "Jamaica?"

PC Version Question #90

Phone Version Question #90

Now for the questions from "The Epic 10", my favourite question is #101, in which you need to use the on-screen keyboard to spell CHIHUAHUA. I fucking love that word. Anyway, the premise is the same, but the picture of the actual chihuahuas have changed. In the flash version, it's a photo of a real one (correct me if I'm wrong, but I think it's the chihuahua from the Taco Bell adverts) and the phone version has a little cartoon one which I assume Splapp drew. :D

PC Version Question #101

Phone Version Question #101

And the final question that's different is #108. The PC version's hint is "The code is LOST" - the answer being "4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42". (No, I didn't watch Lost, I Googled it. :P) The phone version is a standard question, the answer being: "Don't worry, maybe some heroes will save it."

PC Version Question #108

Phone Version Question #108

And to conclude this VERY LONG post, let's look at the two different Game Over screens. The PC version is pretty basic, the phone version features a picture of The Impossible Quiz's cat - whose name is Chris. :D

The phone version then goes on to ask you if you want to use a Moron Mark, or offers to let you buy more lives. 

PC Version Game Over screen

Phone Version Game Over screen