Why The "House of Skulltula" Sidequest Reward SUCKS

So, I've been replaying Ocarina of Time and Majora's Mask - of course opting for the portable remakes on the 3DS - and something really, *really* pissed me off.

Fans of the game will already no doubt be aware of the House of Skulltula in Kakariko Village from Ocarina of Time. The apparently wealthy family have all been cursed and disfigured into weird spider-human hybrid creatures. The only way to save them is to seek out and destroy the 100 Golden Skulltulas that are hidden throughout Hyrule - some you must defeat in the past as a child, some you must defeat in the future as an adult.

Each time you defeat 10 Skulltulas, one of the five children will be turned back to normal and will present you with a gift. 10 for the first, 20 for the second etc. Their father requires all 100 to have been destroyed before he turns back to normal.

So why does this sidequest piss me off so much? Well, to put it simply - you spent virtually the entire game destroying these damn things, backtracking, time-travelling, warping, riding magic beanstalks and playing the Sun's Song until your fingers fall off - you crawl back to Kakariko Village clutching the 100 shiny Golden Skulltula tokens, only for the patriarch of the family to present you with...

A huge rupee. 200 rupees. Are you fucking serious.

The five children all give you fairly decent rewards - the adult and giant wallets are pretty cool, the piece of heart is always welcomed, the Stone/Shard of Agony is awesome - the Bombchus are kinda meh but still an acceptable prize - why the hell does their father, who to rescue might I add you need to defeat another FIFTY Golden Skulltulas then proceed to present you with the shittiest and most useless reward ever?

By the time you've defeated all 100 Golden Skulltulas, you've quite clearly finished the Spirit Temple - you're 95% of the way through the game. Guaranteed if you're a completionist you'll have already collected all of the heart pieces, bottles and whatnot - and no doubt you're walking around with an overflowing giant's wallet with fuck all to spend your 500 rupees on. So WHY does this moron feel the need to present you with 200 fucking rupees?!

To be honest, I always find rupees in Zelda games to be absolutely terrible quest rewards. You find rupees from cutting grass, killing enemies, winning mini-games and finding hidden treasure chests - there is absolutely no need whatsoever to complete practically a game-long quest to collect (or destroy in this case) ONE HUNDRED well-hidden things just to be blindly given more money!

I mean sure, this *might* have been acceptable in Majora's Mask - after all, you're tasked with amassing 5000 rupees in your savings in order to earn a heart piece... And of course due to the 3-day repeating mechanic, you're often tasked with needing to re-buy items instead of wasting time harvesting them. Items also tend to be more expensive in general - like the Goron Powder Kegs that cost 100 rupees (and you'll need several of them in order to complete all of the sidequests) and the 500 rupee All-Night Mask. The most expensive thing in Ocarina of Time are the Goron/Zora tunics from their respective merchants - which you'll only need to buy if you were careless and let a bastard Like-Like eat your clothes.

Again I compare this to the far superior game, Majora's Mask and its "big" sidequest if you like - collecting all of the masks and trading them with the children on the moon for the Fierce Deity Mask. Sure, this is an optional item - but it's also totally fucking awesome. It's immensely satisfying to be rewarded for your dedication by being handed what is essentially a giant FUCK YOU button to the final boss - making it insultingly easy. 

What the hell is 200 rupees going to do against Ganondorf? Such a missed opportunity here to do something similar - or even redirect the final Great Fairy's defense upgrade reward - which also comes far too bloody late in the game to be of any real use - but is certainly more useful than pointless money that wouldn't even fit in my wallet.

Review: Catlateral Damage

Ah, the life of a cat. Sleeping 18 hours a day, playing with fun toys, getting fed on demand, getting attention based purely on how adorable you are and having complete and total rulership over your own domain and your servants, also known as humans. Cats are awesome, despite the fact they're essentially tiny little serial killers wrapped up in a fuzzy fur coat. Have you ever wanted to see the world through your cats eyes? Well now you can.

Catlateral Damage is a 2013 first person “cat simulator” game originally released as a prototype online before being released on PC and PS4. You play as one of a multitude of different kitties as you explore randomly generated houses and do what cats do best - DESTROY EVERYTHING.

The primary gameplay involves jumping around on to shelves, opening up cupboards and using your fuzzy little paws to knock over carefully organised stacks of DVDs and books, precariously placed China and glassware and giving that expensive vase a gentle nudge towards the hall carpet.You can also interact with the lovingly placed cat toys, swiping at your scratching post, digging in the litter tray and chowing down on delicious cat grass in order to earn upgrades that improve the strength of your swipes, the height of your jumps and the speed of the pitter-patter of your little jellybean toes running across the kitchen counters. 

Tripping off your tail on catnip will allow a temporary boost to all of your stats and will also give the screen a psychedelic colour scheme. More abstract yet helpful power ups are also available, such as a force field that allows you to bulldoze through everything and moon gravity that allows you and objects to float around the room.

Naturally as a cat you are automatically given free reign to be a complete and utter menace - unraveling the toilet roll, knocking over house plants, running along piano keys and breaking into the fridge to steal bacon and milk are all par for the course.

The game is broken up into two primary sections; Objective Mode and Litterbox Mode. Objective Mode involves knocking over a certain amount of objects within a time limit while Litterbox Mode gives you free reign of an area with no time limit. Each time you start a new game, your cat stats will be reset to zero and you must rebuild your stats from scratch.

Catlateral Damage also includes a Katamari Damacy-esque collection menu where you can keep track of all the different objects you've sent plummeting to their doom as well as the real-life photographs of over 200 cats that are randomly sprinkled throughout the levels.

The graphics are cel-shaded, a bright and colourful comic book style that allows for literally hundreds of loose objects on screen at once without any loss of performance. The items, while being relatively generic are detailed enough to provide plenty of variation from room to room and level to level but are basic enough to not lag your computer when you've literally knocked thousands of cereal boxes and bottles to the aisle floor in the supermarket stage.

If I had to offer any criticism - the music is obnoxious. I've had to mute it on several occasions or turn it down to practically silent to stop the brain drilling. Why anybody would purchase the soundtrack on Steam, I have no idea.The Steam version features achievements and trading cards - both of which are features that appeal to me - and also includes controller support. 

Some have argued that $10 or the regional equivalent is too expensive for an item-pushing simulator - but I disagree. This kind of mindless and anarchic simple game play is super relaxing for me. It's great to de-stress by hopping into the persona of a cat and literally knocking over a huge dinosaur skeleton. Believe me, people have paid more for entertainment that lasted a lot less than this game will amuse you for. Plus, it's Steam. Steam Sales happen every 5 minutes - stop being cheap and smash those Faberge eggs!

I totally recommend Catlateral Damage to anybody who currently owns or has previously owned or lived with a cat or several cats - as we know exactly what little dicks they can be. I found it strangely heart-warming to be able to eat plants, break into the fridge and cover the floor with carefully arranged DVDs - as my cats have all done THE EXACT SAME THING. Catlateral Damage is like the most accurate cat simulator game ever! ...but I hope it doesn’t give the little bastards any ideas...

Trick Or Treat (Original Short Story)

The following is a little story I wrote last year around Hallowe'en time - involving Cat Chaos and Charm Agony in a typical scenario. I've never published this anywhere before now - and to jazz it up a bit, I've illustrated it with some stills from my videos where Charm gets messed up. Perhaps one day I'll reenact this story for a video... :)

-----

Charm sneered, looking down at the group of excited children gathered round her. Of course, she was never one to miss out on a party - but she hadn't realised that the guy she had her eye on was throwing a Halloween party for his kid brother Sam.

“Come and play with us, Catherine!” Sam smiled, pointing to a game of bobbing for apples set up on the other side of the room.

“Uh, no.” Charm sighed, tossing her hair impatiently. “I don't play little kids games like that.”

Sam looked sad, his goofy clown make up doing nothing to hide his crestfallen expression.

“I like your dress, Catherine…” said Sally, somewhat shyly. She was dressed in a cute Anna from Frozen dress, her hair done up in a long braid.

“Like, of course you do, it's just like yours, except better.” Charm snapped.

“Oh look Timmy, a princess!” called Simon, who was holding his wriggling kid brother in his arms. Timmy was wearing a cute frog onesie, his face painted green. “You know, if you kiss a princess, you'll turn into a handsome prince.”

“Get lost.” Charm growled, taking a step backwards away from the drooling toddler, his face already sticky with various candy.

Sam bobbed back up again, holding a wooden pail. Inside was a whole bunch of chocolate bars. “Take one…” he said, somewhat reluctantly. “One of them has a prize in it.”

Charm held the foil-wrapped chocolate bar in her hand. Everybody at the Halloween party had been given one - rumour had it that one of them contained a special golden ticket, that would award the lucky winner with a fabulous prize. The wrapper simply read “TRICK OR TREAT” in large red letters, stylised to look like oozing blood.

Several of the other costumed partygoers had unwrapped their candy and to their disappointment, hadn't found a golden ticket inside. A few of the younger children, dressed as pirates or witches had cried, pouted and stamped their feet in a tantrum.

Charm smiled and slowly tore open one end of the chocolate. And sure enough, shimmering under the disco lighting, was a golden ticket. She pulled it out, laughing triumphantly. 

“I've won!”

She smirked smugly, waving her prize tauntingly at the children and younger partygoers before taking a large, triumphant bite of the chocolate bar. She chewed it thoughtfully, enjoying the rich and creamy flavour dancing on her tongue. 

Then came another flavour. A flavour that wasn't quite right. She looked down at her ticket - which was now a hazy blur of red and gold in her hand. The glowering faces of the other partygoers melted and warped into one. The room spun, the loud music began to slow and sound distorted. Her mouth became dry. Her head felt light. Her legs shook and crumpled beneath her. And then she hit the floor with a loud thud and everything fell black and silent.

-----

Groggily, she opened her eyes, and found to her bewilderment, she had no idea where she was. All she could see was a darkened room with concrete walls and floor. She tried to turn her head, but found she was unable to move. Her head and both wrists were clamped firmly in place between two thick slats of wood. She tried to kick her legs, but they too were restrained - thick swatches of duct tape bound both her legs to the chair she was sitting in. As a last resort, she opened her mouth to cry for help, but her voice was muffled by another piece of duct tape pressed firmly over her lips.

Her head felt like it had been filled with cotton wool. There was a loud buzzing sound in her ears. She couldn't remember a thing. 

After waiting for what seemed like hours, she heard a sound from behind her - the ominous creaking of a door being slowly opened. This was followed by steady thudding of a pair of heavy boots walking towards her. She gasped in terror, feeling a cold sweat trickling down her spine, a lump catching in her throat. She squeezed her eyes shut, a few tears seeping through her closed lids as she trembled in fear.

Then came the voice.
“Hello Charm.”

She knew that voice. Instantly she opened her eyes, her tears suddenly being dried with a mix of relief and anger. Glinting green eyes, set in a face of thick black fur. Pointed ears, long whiskers and glittering fangs. Cat Chaos.

He took hold of the corner of the duct tape covering her mouth and yanked. She let out an involuntary shriek as it ripped off her top layer of skin.
“Cat Chaos! What the hell is this?!” she hissed, glaring straight into his mischievous eyes.

“You found the golden ticket Charm, I'm here to give you your prize, of course!” he said, flashing a toothy grin.

“I don't want a prize,” Charm mumbled, trying in vain to free herself from the restraints - which she had just realised was a set of medieval pillory stocks. “I want to go home. Let me go, or I'll… I'll scream!”

Cat Chaos tutted. “Oh Charm, why don't you trust me?”

“You rigged those tickets!” Charm cried, jerking her legs back and forth, attempting to break the tape that bound her legs. “Let me go! Let me go!”

“Oh Charm, you cut me so,” said Cat Chaos, clutching his chest as if she'd just stabbed him with an icicle. “Anyway, it's Halloween! ...what's your costume supposed to be, anyway?”

Charm frowned at him. She was wearing a ridiculous pink dress made of satin frills and white lace. On her head was balanced a silver tiara. “I'm a princess!”

“Of course you are,” Cat Chaos smiled. “And such a pretty… clean… dress. Now… trick or treat?”

As he said this, he reached out a paw and flicked on the lights. The darkened room was immediately illuminated - and to Charm’s horror, standing behind him was a long table, covered with a tablecloth.

This table was groaning under the weight of dozens of buckets, multicoloured gunge dripping down their sides, bowls and containers of messy, sloppy and sticky foodstuffs and endless rows of pies, their foil cases overflowing oozy cream.

-----

Charm gulped, looking up at Cat Chaos, who was towering over her, an impressively large cream pie balanced on the palm of each paw.

“Please…” she begged, “Please don't… I'll… I'll do anything…”

Charm’s pleas were all in vain. Cat Chaos drew back his arm and thrust a pie right into her face. She flinched, crying out in despair as she was completely splattered from forehead to chin with globs of thick cream and streaks of custard.

The second pie was brought down hard onto the top of her head, so she was wearing the tin like a hat. Slabs of pastry crumbled and fell down her shoulders, rivulets of fruit and syrup oozed down the sides of her head and dripped from the end of her nose.

“Urgh!” she exclaimed, shaking her head side to side to rid herself of the tin hat. “Stop it! Stop it! I hate this! It's not fair, it's not-”

Her words were quickly silenced by a torrent of cold custard cascading over her. Her wailing mouth was rapidly filled to the brim so she gurgled furiously in protest. Cat Chaos roared with laughter, holding the now-empty bucket. Through the gloopy yellow mess, Charm was glaring daggers at him.

“Damn it!” she cried, “Let me go! Please! Somebody help!”

Cat Chaos tutted again, shaking his head pityingly. “Oh Charm, nobody is going to come… You and I are going to have so much fun. You wouldn't play nice games with Sam and his friends, so you're going to play with me instead.”

Charm wailed and whimpered as Cat Chaos proceeded to pour out a whole gallon of syrup over her head - sticky rivers slopping all over her hair, dripping slowly from the ends of her bunches.

“Ew…” Charm moaned, feeling uncomfortably sticky and moist around her neck and chest as the syrup began to ooze down into her dress.

Next, Cat Chaos produced an overflowing bucket of cold baked beans. Charm winced and squeezed her eyes tightly shut, expecting to get drenched in tomato slop - but he had other plans. He slunk around behind her and whipped up her dress, revealing a pair of ludicrous, billowing pink satin bloomers. 

Charm shrieked indignantly. “Hey! Get your filthy paws-”

“Off your silky drawers?” Cat Chaos cackled, yanking her waistband back and dumping the whole bucket down her underpants.

Charm screamed, cold beans squelching between her butt cheeks, trickling down her thighs and squirming their way into even more delicate areas.

“Ew, ew, ew!” she whimpered, wriggling uncomfortably, her face screwed up in disgust. “Get them out! Get them out!”

Cat Chaos let go of her waistband, letting it go with a loud snap, before returning to the long table.

Charm tried pleading with him again, “Oh please!” she begged, her voice high and whiny, “Let me go… I'll do *anything!*”

Cat Chaos laughed, delivering another messy pie straight into her face. This one was blueberry, and her face was now dripping huge slabs of soggy pastry and gooey purple jam.

He held up another bucket, level with his chest, so it's trajectory was a few inches above Charm’s head.
“Look up.” he ordered.

Charm shook her head, deliberately lowering her head so she looked at the floor.

“Look up.” he repeated.

“No!” Charm yelled, gritting her teeth together. “I'm not doing anything you say!”

Cat Chaos put the bucket down and walked ominously back to behind Charm. He took ahold of her soggy waistband and gave it a hard tug - yanking her underwear right up to her mid back. Charm squealed, a mixture of pain at the eye-watering wedgie and disgust at the beans squishing and squelching further into unmentionable places.

“Are you going to do as you're told?” he asked, sniggering.

“...Yes!” Charm wailed, trying to wriggle free. “I'll do it, just stop! Please…!”

“That's a good girl,” said Cat Chaos, retrieving his bucket. “Now, look up.”

Charm whimpered, trembling as she slowly and nervously raised her head, her eyes squeezed tightly shut as she bit hard on her lip.

Cat Chaos laughed heartily as he slowly tilted his bucket - allowing thick slops of cold, lumpy gunge to fall and splat hard against her terrified face at point-blank range. Charm flinched and groaned as each glob splattered against her - her whole face quickly buried under an opaque mask of viscous goop. 

“You know,” Cat Chaos mused, as he put the bucket down and reached for another, “Red is really your colour.”

Charm replied with a vague growl from the back of her throat, which sounded like bad swear words mixed with saliva.

“Pretty girls like you shouldn't use words like that.” Cat Chaos tutted, lifting the next bucket high above her head before flipping it over and pushing it down over her head like he was making a sandcastle.

Charm moaned in despair as she was doused in a disgusting mixture of curry sauce and tinned sardines. From underneath the bucket, she began to retch and gag at the appalling smell.

“Phew, what crawled in there and died?” Cat Chaos laughed - lifting off the bucket with a flourish.

“Oh God, oh God, I'm gonna puke…” Charm mumbled, her face turning a light shade of green under all the mess. 

Cat Chaos was unperturbed by this confession, and returned to the table to grab more ammunition.

“Sorry Charm, you can't be excused from this class…” he smiled, peeling away the sticky collar of her dress and pouring a large barrel of half-melted ice cream down her back. 

The sudden temperature change seemed to make Charm forget her nausea and she let out an ear-piercing shriek of shock. She gasped and panted, her teeth chattering, her knees knocking together.

“Cold...cold...cold...cold…” she whimpered, wriggling and squirming uncomfortably in her messy seat. “Oh FUCK, it's freezing!”

Cat Chaos pretended to be shocked and gasped. “Bad language is not acceptable!”

As penance, he delivered a wonderfully creamy pie sandwich - a pie in each hand smashed against the sides of Charm’s head. She was instantly deafened as her ears were filled with cream and crust and the tinnitus caused by the sheer force. She groaned loudly in protest, pastry falling from her scalp like dandruff, apple and strawberry jam sliding slowly down her cheeks and dripping to the floor.

Cat Chaos smiled, standing back to admire his handiwork. By this point, his victim was completely unrecognisable - her appearance was absolutely ruined. Her hair, once a shade of medium blonde and tied in ridiculous bunches was now coated in a thick layer of slop - cream, gunge and sticky syrup. There was even the slimy tail of a tinned sardine stuck in her fringe. 

The pale pink dress was now saturated in tomato sauce, ice cream and custard - in addition to splatters of various pie fillings and shreds of crust.

All that could be seen of her facial structure underneath the mountain of goop and slime was the outline of her glasses, which had somehow managed to stay on her face this whole time. She was breathing heavily through her mouth - her nose was completely clogged with cream and curry sauce - and trying in vain to not taste any of the mess she was coated with.

-----

“I've got one more prize for you Charm,” Cat Chaos said, bending forward and gently wiping the debris away from her eyes so that she could see what he was gesturing at.

To her horror, all of the children from the Halloween party earlier were stood behind him. Children who she'd bullied, pulled their hair, stolen their candy, given them wedgies and mocked their costumes. They were all pointing and laughing at her.

Charm hung her head in shame; not bearing to look at any of them. She felt her cheeks burning scarlet, her stomach clenching, her eyes watering. Her bottom lip was quivering. She tingled all over with embarrassment.

“Revenge is a dish best served cold… and sticky, gloopy, messy and creamy.” said Cat Chaos, folding his arms. “Now, do you have something to say to Sam and all his little friends?”

Charm sighed, looking up at the group of children. “Uh… I'm… I'm sorry,” she mumbled, “Sorry I was a big jerk…”

The children cheered, some even clapped. Cat Chaos’ usual evil smile softened as he began to free Charm from the restraints.

“Now, your highness… go and get cleaned up.” he said, gesturing to a door on the right, an inviting shower room calling to her.