Kindergarten Guide - Monty's Storyline

This is a little guide for the Steam title Kindergarten - it's a great little puzzle/logic/interactive story game, costs only £3.99 and will keep you entertained and scratching your head for hours. Many of the puzzles and characters' storylines require strict timing and succession of events - and I recommend you try your hardest to figure out the puzzles on your own before consulting my guide below.

With that being said, if you're pulling your hair out - here's the guide. Obviously, it contains SPOILERS.

(Click on the screenshots to enlarge them!)

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Before school starts:

• The objective of this storyline is slightly different to the other characters' storylines; you have until the end of the day to raise $20.00 in order to pay Monty for making you a key to the Principal's office. If you have any remaining apples after completing the tasks listed below, skip ahead and instead convert them to $0.25 each. 
• Withdraw the maximum amount you can from your piggy bank ($10.00).

• Take the key mould from your shelf. (You must've first completed Jerome's storyline for this to become available.)

Playground:

• Buggs will steal half of your money - we can't do anything about that this time; but at least you still have $5.00

• Talk to Monty and ask him to make a key from your key mould. 

• Speak to Monty again and buy the yo-yo. ($1.00) 

• Talk to Nugget and follow the conversation options until you can discuss Billy. Get sent to the Principal's office - admit to feeling sad about Billy and he will give you one of Nugget's special pills.

Morning time:

• When you return from the Principal's office, Ms. Applegate will offer to buy the pill from you for a dollar. Agree. You're now back up to $5.00 and she's too high to notice if you steal from the other students' cubbies...

• Talk to Jerome and offer him the yo-yo for him to be your morning buddy (the same route you'd take for Jerome's storyline)  - he will give you the hall pass, and as Ms. Applegate is already as high as a kite, she doesn't need to be distracted.

• Show the hall monitor your hall pass and sneak into the Janitor's closet. Examine the cardboard box on the bottom shelf on the left. Take the $5.00. 

• Leave the Janitor's closet and go into the bathroom. Speak to the creepy Janitor about the body bags. He will give you a "tip," that the lunch lady can sell you chocolate for cheaper than the usual price... 

Lunch:

• Talk to the Lunch Lady and tell her that you were told about the chocolate discount from the Janitor. You will be able to buy it for a NICKEL! 

• Talk to Monty and sell him both the chocolate bar and the hall pass. 

Recess:

• There is nothing major that can be done at recess, so instead use up your apples and skip ahead.

Show & Tell:

• Show your bottle of pills.

• You should now have $20.00 to cover Monty's bill.

• Monty will give you the shiny new (forged) key to the Principal's office!

The 5 Best Final Fantasy VII Enemy Skills

Now I love using enemy skills during my playthroughs of Final Fantasy VII - some of them are invaluable during early stages of the game and many provide an effect that cannot be replicated by a single spell or item - or can’t be replicated at all. One thing that always intrigued me about enemy skills was the level of secrecy involved in collecting them… Playing the game in the late 90s/early 2000s when the internet was in its infancy, all I had to guide me was the Brady Guides strategy guide - which for all it did help with - is very incomplete and lacks a lot of information, especially about enemy skills. So I would go around manipulating everything in sight, always on the lookout for new attacks I’d never seen used before in the hope of finding a new skill. I’ve already made a list of my top 5 WORST enemy skills - today we’re doing the opposite - my top 5 BEST enemy skills!

5 - Magic Hammer
Firstly we have Magic Hammer - an enemy skill that drains 100 MP from an enemy and then gives it to the caster to refill their own MP. Not only is this enemy skill a useful alternative to wasting precious ethers or turbo ethers when you’re not within hiking distance of an inn but it can also be used on powerful enemies and bosses in order to “use up their skill power” and stop them casting the high-damaging spells that could cause instant deaths. At 3 MP per cast, it’s also very economical, restoring up to 97 MP per cast and can be used multiple times on the same target until they have been sapped of all their magic power. Also, unlike many enemy skills that quickly become obsolete once you’ve learned higher level spells to replace them, Magic Hammer is useful from disc one right the way up to fighting high level creatures in the Northern Cave.

4 - Trine
In fourth place we have Trine, a lightning-element spell that damages all opponents. It costs 20 MP per cast and unlike spells from the Bolt family, is unaffected by reflect. Trine’s base power is equal to 2.125x base magic damage and can easily wipe out whole groups of weaker enemies and does well at holding its own against early bosses. It even comes in useful against later bosses who are weak to lightning damage such as the Carry Armour. The only problem with Trine is that it can only be learned from 3 enemies in the whole game, two of which are bosses and one that is native to Gaea’s Cliff, an area that becomes inaccessible upon completion.

3 - Aqualung
Next we have Aqualung, a water-element spell that damages all opponents in battle. It costs 34 MP per cast and is one of only two spells you can cast that are water-elemental. Aqualung’s base power is equal to 3.25x base magic and is useful against both groups of weaker enemies and bosses. As many creatures, especially fire-based ones like dragons have a weakness to water - Aqualung remains useful throughout large sections of the game and has multiple opportunities to be learned. It can also be used as a healing spell against a party who are set up to absorb water damage (i.e. with elemental-Leviathan or wearing the water ring.)

2 - White Wind
In 2nd place we have White Wind, an enemy skill that restores the caster’s current HP to all party members, in addition to curing over 12 different status effects, including slow-numb, petrify, frog and small. If the caster has a large amount of HP, i.e. is high-leveled, wearing HP plus materia etc, White Wind can actually be more effective at healing than the restore materia. In addition to being useful for healing party members, it can also be used offensively against enemies that are weak to holy magic. As well as causing damage, it will also inflict the status effects it can cure. Most enemies in the Cave of the Gi in Cosmo Canyon can be instantly killed with White Wind as it will petrify them. White Wind wins out against Angel Whisper for numerous reasons - namely that White Wind can be learned early in disc 1 and remains useful for the rest of the game, whereas Angel Whisper is learned far too late in the game to be of any real use. A final-attack revive combination can easily negate the usefulness of Angel Whisper - while White Wind is useful whether you’re level 19 or level 99.

1 - Big Guard
And the best enemy skill in Final Fantasy VII, in my opinion of course is Big Guard - a spell that costs 56 MP and casts barrier and magic barrier (also known as Wall) and haste on all party members. The MP cost alone proves how useful this spell is, as Wall alone costs 58 MP to cast. Also useful to note is that this skill can be learned as soon as you leave Corel Prison, as soon as Cait Sith has joined the party and blessed you with his manipulate materia. Big Guard can be learned before you are able to even BUY the barrier materia, let alone level it up high enough to be able to cast Wall in the first place. The convenience of casting both Wall and Haste is an invaluable skill to have in later fights and boss battles and can help you to defeat bosses even when you’re under-leveled. The only downside of Big Guard is as you also cast haste, the barrier and magic barrier will drain faster than usual - but I think that’s a small price to pay.

Mog Anarchy's Creative Writing Competition

Oi you lot, in the mood to be creative and win some Steam games? In honour of hitting my 1500 subscribers mark on YouTube, I’m running a little competition… A creative writing competition, to be exact. I want to see your amazing creativity channeled through your keyboards and presented in the form of lovely little stories, poems and plays...

EVERY entrant will receive a Steam key! I bought a big bundle of random keys (admittedly I have no idea what they are until they are redeemed, I can’t guarantee they’ll be triple A titles) - and thus have plenty spare! The one(s) I like the best will receive either a gift card or Steam wallet gift… or I’ll buy ‘em a game from their wishlist.

The only requirement I'm asking is that you make the main character of your story either me, Cat Chaos or Charm Agony. You may include all 3 of us, only one of us, any combination. Can be 1st or 3rd person and can be a piece of short prose or written in a script/play format with just dialogue or even some poetry!

Feel free to include your own original characters or any characters from games/comics/movies etc - feel free to be as realistic or as nonsensical as you want! And sure, if you really can't control yourself, I'll even allow more *ahem* adult content.

I'm not enforcing a strict word count limit or anything like that - but when I say “short,” I mean don't write half a novel. A couple of pages will do fine - double that if you're writing a script/screenplay style thing to account for the spacing.

I would like to read some of the entries out - perhaps in character, or as all of my characters doing a sort of “dramatic reading” type video or several videos… And if I *really* take to your idea… I may steal it and rework it into a skit! So bear that in mind, you lot!

Make sure you get your entries in by the 3rd of July!

Pokémon Jokémon!

Allow me to share with you 40 stupid Pokémon-related jokes and puns...  These "jokes" were originally published on my FanFiction.net account in 2006. To be honest, they weren't really funny then either. :)

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What do you call a Pokémon with a cold?
- Pika-a-choo!

What is a bug Pokémon's favourite game?
- Noughts and Heracrosses!

What do you get if you cross the number 5 with a Mankey?
- A PRIME-Ape!

What do you call a Pokémon knocking at your door?
- A Rat-a-tata!

What do you call a Pokémon in a hamburger?
- A Relish-canth!

What do you call a Pokémon on a woolly hat?
- An Aipom-pom!

What do you call the Pokémon Trainer who just upset a Charizard?
- Ash!

What do you call a Pokémon eating bubblegum?
- Pika-chew!

What happened to the Nidorino who was scared of its huge opponent?
- It Nido-ran away!

What do you call the Pokémon who forgot to shave?
- Clef-hairy!

Why couldn't the Butterfree go to the dance?
- It was a Veno-moth ball!

What happened to the Machop who tried to swallow a whole Geodude?
- It Machoked!

Why did the Krabby wear a crown?
- It wanted to be KING-ler!

What do you give a constipated Pokémon?
- A Snorlax-ative!

What's a grass Pokémon's favourite pastime?
- Seedot-to-dot!

What do you call a Loudred with no ears?
- Anything you like, it can't hear you!

What do you get if you put a parrot in a washing machine?
- A Poli-whirl!

What do you get if you cross a witch with a Regice?
- A cold spell!

What do you call a just married Spinirak and Ariados?
- Newly-webs!

Why was the Caterpie thrown out of the forest?
- He was a litter-bug!

Where do Geodudes and Gravelers go for entertainment?
- To rock concerts!

Why did the Magnemite act stupid?
- He had a screw loose!

What do you call a stupid Miltank?
- A silly moo!

A Snorlax stepped on the 'speak-your-weight' machine; what did it say?
- "One at a time please."

What happened to the Exeggutor who misbehaved at school?
- It was egg-spelled!

What did the neurotic Grumpig say to its Trainer?
- "You take me for grunted."

What do you get if you cross a Miltank with a Numel?
- Lumpy milkshakes!

What do you get if you cross a Roselia with a sheep-dog?
- Collie-flowers!

How do you get a Gastly to lay flat?
- Use a spirit-level!

What do you call a sad Pokémon?
- Pika-blue!

How does a Haunter scare electric Pokémon?
- "Pika-BOO!"

Which Pokémon is related to E.T?
- E.V!

What do you call a Pokémon train?
- A Pika-choo-choo!

Why doesn't Misty like to eat at the Gloom's restaurant?
- Because they always serve an Odd-dish!

Why did Pikachu go to the bathroom?
- He need to Pi-chu!

That Bulbasaur is so dirty, the only time he cleans his ears is when he eats watermelon!

A Snorlax walks into an ice-cream parlour and orders two slices of apple pie, with four scoops of ice-cream, covered in lashings of strawberry sauce and piles of chopped nuts. "Would you like a cherry on the top?" asks the waitress. "No thanks." says Snorlax, "I'm on a diet!"

Trainer: "Nurse Joy, Nurse Joy! I think I'm a Pokémon!"
Joy: "What a load of Poké-balls!"

Trainer: "Waiter, waiter, there's a dead Volbeat in my soup!"
Waiter: "That's right sir, Volbeat aren't very good swimmers."

And finally, the worst Pokémon joke of all:
How do you get a thousand Pikachu on a bus?
- Pokémon!

Review: I Am Bread

Ah bread, one of the staple foods of the western world. Cheap, sustainable and so versatile! Whether it’s sandwiches, burgers, hot dogs, toasted, grilled or dipped - it’s safe to say the vast majority of us couldn’t imagine life without bread. But how about if sentient slices of bread began breaking into your home and toasting themselves on various household appliances? Driving you to a paranoid breakdown where you end up in therapy? Well...

I Am Bread is a 2015 physics-based puzzle adventure game developed by Bossa Studios and released on PC, Xbox One, PS4 and mobile devices.

Using either the keyboard or a controller, you take control of a sentient piece of bread who desires to be toasted. Each of its four corners has a button configured to it and thus you must learn how to maneuver around using physics, balance and timing. Naturally the act of transporting bread to the toaster or other heating device is complicated by numerous hazards present throughout each stage. The obvious ones are falling to the floor, getting covered with ants, dropping into a sink full of water, getting covered with dirt, debris, spills, stains and used band aids - and my personal favourite for obvious reasons, slipping off the side of the counter into the cat litter tray.

Getting your slice of bread dirty reduces its “edibility,” a percentage bar that is present in the top-left corner of the screen. Ideally for perfect toast, you will reach the heating device with 100% edibility and proceed to toast yourself evenly on both sides, making sure you don’t overcook and burn. Upon completion of each level you will be graded from F to A++, depending on how quickly you managed to toast yourself, how edible you ended up and varying other level-based factors.

While the physics of the bread itself are fairly realistic - it’s difficult to stand up on end as you’re floppy, coating yourself in jam makes you sticky and getting covered with butter makes you slippery - most slices of bread are unable to grip to walls and surfaces in order to reach new areas and cross obstacles and hazards. At the top of the screen you have a grip meter - which depletes for as long as you are clinging to a surface or holding onto an object. If this meter runs out, you will plummet to whatever lies beneath you - often something gross or messy that will instantly knock down one’s edibility.

The bread into toast levels are only one gameplay mode however - playing as the character known as “Wholemeal” is the story mode. In addition, there are numerous other gameplay modes in which you take control of different bakery products, including a bagel, a baguette, and a crispbread cracker. There are also other modes that nod to other Steam franchises such as Team Fortress 2 and Goat Simulator and an entire mode parodying the Star Wars series.

The bagel mode is called Bagel Race and is exactly that - using the two control points on your bagel you must roll yourself through the course, which is marked by glowing checkpoints. In addition to having to master steering and maneuvering, the bagel requires some serious rhythm and patience in order to learn the best way to build up speed and complete the course in the frankly cruel times the game sets for you.

The baguette mode is known as Rampage Mode - in which you are given a few minutes to roll around and smash everything in sight - often there’s precariously placed towers of glasses and objects lined up in a domino formation just waiting for your crusty self to plow through. However unlike the bread and crispbread cracker, the baguette only has two “corners” to control, so you often end up either rolling along your side or flipping over end to end. Smashing objects consecutively leads to increasing score multipliers which naturally awards you with higher grades upon completion.

The crispbread cracker mode is known as Cheese Hunt - and instead of having an edibility meter, you have an integrity meter. The crispbread cracker can smear itself through oil, grease and ants no problem - but fall from too high of a drop or hurtle into a breakable object like a plate or butter dish and you will begin to crack and shatter until you fall to pieces. The object of this mode is to find the pieces of cheese that are hidden throughout the level. The scoring aspect is all based on time, so once you’ve explored the levels top-to-bottom and have worked out the best route to nab all of the pieces in the fastest time, the only obstacle in your way is your own fragility. The cracker controls in a very similar manner to the bread, but is a lot stiffer and rigid - and of course, will break if dropped, where the bread’s inherent sponginess cushions blows but easily absorbs liquids.

The Team Fortress 2 mode invites you to create your own Edible Sandvich Device - navigating around familiar territory and even using classic objects from the game such as the Inflatable Balloonicorn and the sleeping Heavy to avoid touching the floor and make it to the fridge where the other ingredients are.

The Goat Simulator homage replaces the baguette in the Rampage Mode, instead renaming it to RAM-page Mode - and mapping four buttons to each of the goat’s limbs. It’s a great tribute to the frankly hilarious and impossible ragdoll physics of Goat Simulator itself and the goat really has some realistic weight to it - such as the back legs being a lot sturdier and stronger to move yourself around with than the front legs. While not being able to control it directly, the goat’s trademark tongue also flops around and can grip onto objects for extra destructive fun.

The Starch Wars is a space shooter simulator very similar to the likes of Lylat Wars, only set in the I Am Bread universe and the zero-gravity mode is exactly how it sounds - you control a slice of bread who is wearing a jetpack - and all of the ordinary level items, obstacles and hazards are now floating around in the air. I’m not a fan of zero gravity mode whatsoever - call me a sucker for integrity but I demand some believable aspects to my anthropomorphic bread simulator game, thank you very much.

There is also a free roam mode, in which you can explore the levels to your heart’s content - finding Easter Eggs and secrets you may have missed on your first run through of a level as you were too busy watching the clock and clinging to the skirting board for dear life so as not to touch the dirty socks on the floor. Each level includes at least one hidden achievement and there are truly some bizarre and oddly hilarious things you can do, despite being a piece of bread. Can bread drive a car? Of course it can. Can it ride a skateboard? Yup. Can it soar through the air while stuck to the side of a rocketship? I’ll leave that one up to you to find out.

I recommend I Am Bread to anybody who is a fan of the more off-the-wall and absurd indie game scene on Steam, anyone who is a fan of hilarious and nonsensical gems like Goat Simulator, Octodad and Viscera Cleanup Detail - those of us who are spurred on by the impossible challenges set for us by fiendish developers who mock us if we score less than a B grade… For those of us who like to master peculiar control schemes and who like to think outside of the box… the bread box, that is!

Resident Evil 3: Nemesis - COMPLETE Item Box?!

TL;DR - I picked up every single item in Resident Evil 3: Nemesis because Internet.

Yes, I've been replaying my 2nd favourite Resident Evil title (the first being 4, obviously,) on the GameCube. Nemesis used to frighten the ever-loving shit out of me - but after managing to squeeze through the game on hard mode for the first time this year - I of course unlocked The Mercenaries mode... After spending hours standing on a pallet avoiding dogs, I mean, legitimately completing the campaign - I finally scraped together enough money to buy all of the infinite weapons and ammo for the main story campaign.

If you've never managed to unlock these - I'll break it down for you. They make the game LAUGHABLY EASY. I was pissing all over the zombies and bio creatures with the infinite ammo assault rifle and firing handfuls of red-hot explosive shit into Nemesis' face with the infinite rocket launcher. Just for fun, I decided I'd still pick up ALL of the items - and see how quickly I could fill up the item box.

The answer to that was, very quickly indeed. I didn't use a single herb, fire a single bullet, apply a single first aid spray or use up any of the gunpowder bottles. In order to fit it all into the item box however, I did have to combine a lot of the herbs and gunpowders into combination items. Naturally I discarded all of the keys and useless items out of habit, but was left with both S.T.A.R.S. cards and Jill's master of unlocking lockpick in addition to all of my heavy arsenal and bags of medicinal herbs.

By the way; when the protagonists of the Resident Evil games "use" herbs - do they eat them, or do they mash them together into a sort of poultice and spread the herby pesto paste onto their wounds? Answers on a postcard please.

As soon as I reached the final item box before the final fight with Nemesis, I dumped in every single thing I was carrying (bar my SECOND infinite rocket launcher) to see how much crap I'd actually gone around hoarding. I even took a bunch of screenshots and painstakingly pieced them together using Photoshop. Look:

Bearing in mind during this run I used no healing items, ink ribbons or any other items outside of keys and objects used to solve puzzles - I explored every single area, investigated all of the corpses and cars - there will no doubt still be *some* items missing here - and that's due to Resident Evil 3's unique live-choice sections. Depending on what choices you make throughout the game, items will either change places or not appear at all. One example I can see is clearly missing from my item box is a pack of freeze rounds one apparently acquires from Carlos during one of the routes I have literally never taken because it always seemed like a bloody stupid choice...

• So we've got a grand total of 33 ink ribbons - or 11 pick-ups in total, as they are always found in packs of 3. 
• (Amusingly, when your final "rank" score is being worked out upon completion of the game, you will only score 0 points for the saving section if you use over 31 ink ribbons. So you'd actually have to pick up every single pack in the game!)

• 240 total handgun bullets - and if you factor in that your initial equip handgun comes loaded with 15 bullets and so does the rare Eagle 6.0 you get from defeating Nemesis - add 30 and we've got 270 handgun bullets (without using any gunpowder...)
• 28 total shotgun shells (this seems surprisingly low) - again including the ordinary shotgun and the rare Western Custom from Nemesis both coming loaded with 7 shells each - that totals 42.
• 66 total grenade rounds for the grenade launcher - plus the 6 it comes already loaded with - a total of 72.
• 6 flame rounds, given as a gift by Carlos - as previously mentioned, he may also give you freeze rounds depending on what choices you make...
• 12 magnum bullets - plus the 6 the magnum comes ready loaded with - for a total of 18.
• 6 mine thrower mines (apparently you can find an extra box in a safe room, again based on in-game choices, I didn't find them) plus the 6 it already had loaded - total of 12.
• In your first playthrough you will be awarded with an assault rifle and 100% ammo for beating Nemesis 7 times. For your 2nd and subsequent playthroughs you will receive an infinite ammo box instead - so the only way to get another assault rifle with Jill is to buy the infinite one from Mercenaries mode or play on god-awful easy mode. Carlos doesn't seem to want to part with his...

Now onto herbs. As you can see, in order for all of the herbs to actually *fit* inside the item box, I had to mash them together. Interestingly though, if you do manage to find every single herb, they all mix together into nicely rounded packs of antiseptic, antifungal and anti-T-virus pesto paste - and not a single one is left over. In total there are:

• 25 green herbs
• 10 red herbs
• 10 blue herbs (there are also blue herb gardens in the garage and clock tower areas that allow infinite usage)

I have a bit of an (admittedly incorrect) bias about first aid sprays. When I was about 5 or 6, I used to watch my big brother Ian play Resident Evil games a lot. I watched him play the first 3 on PS1, Survivor and Code Veronica before I started playing them myself. 

He always avoided using first aid sprays - as he thought, and so did I until recently - that if you used even a single one, you'd forfeit your chance of ever receiving an A ranking. There is *some* truth in this, as your ranking is based on how much HP you actually heal, and first aid sprays heal the most out of any healing item... In total, there are:

• 6 first aid sprays that come with the 2 first aid boxes Nemesis drops
• 9 loose cans of first aid sprays - for a total of 15

Now gunpowder. You start with the reloading tool in your item box - and using gunpowder bottles you find strewn around and being clutched by corpses, you can hand-load your own bullets - and there's literally hundreds of different combinations of bullets you can make if you manage to find them all. In total there are:

• 21 gunpowder A bottles
• 17 gunpowder B bottles 

Now for some fun with maths. Ugh. Using these bottles of gunpowder to make a single type of bullets... it's possible to make:

• 385 handgun bullets (using 7 bottles of gunpowder AAA)
• 168 shotgun shells (using 5 bottles of gunpowder BBB and one bottle of gunpowder BB)
• 170 grenade rounds (using 17 bottles of gunpowder C, which is made by mixing A+B)
• 126 flame rounds (made by combining 7 bottles of gunpowder AAA with grenade rounds)
• 90 acid rounds (made by combining 5 bottles of gunpowder BBB with grenade rounds)
• 90 freeze rounds (made by combining 5 bottles of gunpowder CCC with grenade rounds)
• 120 magnum bullets (using 5 bottles of gunpowder CCC)

Obviously there's literally hundreds, if not thousands of ways you can use the 38 bottles of gunpowder found throughout the game - as you can pick and choose and make whichever bullets you personally need or like to use - but if one were to go to make purely one type of ammo - these are the maximum numbers I've come up with. However I do suck at maths, so if I'm wrong, feel free to correct me.