Pokémon Jokémon!

Allow me to share with you 40 stupid Pokémon-related jokes and puns...  These "jokes" were originally published on my FanFiction.net account in 2006. To be honest, they weren't really funny then either. :)

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What do you call a Pokémon with a cold?
- Pika-a-choo!

What is a bug Pokémon's favourite game?
- Noughts and Heracrosses!

What do you get if you cross the number 5 with a Mankey?
- A PRIME-Ape!

What do you call a Pokémon knocking at your door?
- A Rat-a-tata!

What do you call a Pokémon in a hamburger?
- A Relish-canth!

What do you call a Pokémon on a woolly hat?
- An Aipom-pom!

What do you call the Pokémon Trainer who just upset a Charizard?
- Ash!

What do you call a Pokémon eating bubblegum?
- Pika-chew!

What happened to the Nidorino who was scared of its huge opponent?
- It Nido-ran away!

What do you call the Pokémon who forgot to shave?
- Clef-hairy!

Why couldn't the Butterfree go to the dance?
- It was a Veno-moth ball!

What happened to the Machop who tried to swallow a whole Geodude?
- It Machoked!

Why did the Krabby wear a crown?
- It wanted to be KING-ler!

What do you give a constipated Pokémon?
- A Snorlax-ative!

What's a grass Pokémon's favourite pastime?
- Seedot-to-dot!

What do you call a Loudred with no ears?
- Anything you like, it can't hear you!

What do you get if you put a parrot in a washing machine?
- A Poli-whirl!

What do you get if you cross a witch with a Regice?
- A cold spell!

What do you call a just married Spinirak and Ariados?
- Newly-webs!

Why was the Caterpie thrown out of the forest?
- He was a litter-bug!

Where do Geodudes and Gravelers go for entertainment?
- To rock concerts!

Why did the Magnemite act stupid?
- He had a screw loose!

What do you call a stupid Miltank?
- A silly moo!

A Snorlax stepped on the 'speak-your-weight' machine; what did it say?
- "One at a time please."

What happened to the Exeggutor who misbehaved at school?
- It was egg-spelled!

What did the neurotic Grumpig say to its Trainer?
- "You take me for grunted."

What do you get if you cross a Miltank with a Numel?
- Lumpy milkshakes!

What do you get if you cross a Roselia with a sheep-dog?
- Collie-flowers!

How do you get a Gastly to lay flat?
- Use a spirit-level!

What do you call a sad Pokémon?
- Pika-blue!

How does a Haunter scare electric Pokémon?
- "Pika-BOO!"

Which Pokémon is related to E.T?
- E.V!

What do you call a Pokémon train?
- A Pika-choo-choo!

Why doesn't Misty like to eat at the Gloom's restaurant?
- Because they always serve an Odd-dish!

Why did Pikachu go to the bathroom?
- He need to Pi-chu!

That Bulbasaur is so dirty, the only time he cleans his ears is when he eats watermelon!

A Snorlax walks into an ice-cream parlour and orders two slices of apple pie, with four scoops of ice-cream, covered in lashings of strawberry sauce and piles of chopped nuts. "Would you like a cherry on the top?" asks the waitress. "No thanks." says Snorlax, "I'm on a diet!"

Trainer: "Nurse Joy, Nurse Joy! I think I'm a Pokémon!"
Joy: "What a load of Poké-balls!"

Trainer: "Waiter, waiter, there's a dead Volbeat in my soup!"
Waiter: "That's right sir, Volbeat aren't very good swimmers."

And finally, the worst Pokémon joke of all:
How do you get a thousand Pikachu on a bus?
- Pokémon!

Pokémon Yellow Nuzlocke Challenge: Part 5

I fill the empty slot in my team with WHACKA, who I level up a bit on a nearby route until he evolves. Then I head into Saffron City. Spoony has a lot of fun pissing all over the blackbelts in the Fighting Dojo. I choose the Hitmonlee as my reward (because I normally pick Hitmonchan), I named him SLINKY. (Because his legs look like slinkys, right?)

Right, time for the Silph Co. Headquarters and its ridiculous teleport pads...

Well actually, I know which teleport pad is the one that leads you straight up to where your rival is waiting and the direct route to Giovanni. It's this one:

Regardless, Spoony easily dispatched the many, many, many poison types - which seems to be the Team Rocket standard. I managed to level up all of my main team (Spoony, Pinpoint, Leviathan and Spike) to level 40. We're awesome. :)

So, I grab the free items and of course, the Master  Ball - and quickly condemn it to the PC storage; for it is NOT ALLOWED. I also take the free Lapras from the Silph employee guy. She's going to be used as a lovely HM slave, namely for Surf and Strength. I name her MINERVA. Guano had eventually bloody evolved, so I replace him with her. :)

Finally, to complete my visit to Saffron City, I go to battle Sabrina. As this is the 1st generation, Psychic types have no glaring weakness, except shitty bug types - so I just battered the twats with the strongest attacks I had at my disposal - i.e. Thunderbolt, Dragon Rage, Thrash etc.

I feel that I should also mention that I finally found a GBC link cable on eBay. It took forever to get here, because it came from China - but I'm scared to try it... I can so see it not working, just like my other one... Gah, I just want a goddamn Alakazam!

TEAM: 6

STORAGE: 16

DEAD: 2

CURRENT TEAM: 

TL;DR:

GIFT - Hitmonlee, level 25, SLINKY

GIFT - Lapras, level 15, MINERVA

[Part 4]

Pokémon Yellow Nuzlocke Challenge: Part 4

After beating Lt. Surge, I talk to Officer Jenny outside the gym and get me a free Squirtle - I name him TANKER. I doubt I'll use him, unless my lovely Leviathan dies and I need a replacement water-type. 

Now knowing Cut, I use Whoop-Ass to enter Route 9, where my team makes short work of the junior trainers and hikers, as well as catching a Nidoran (F) in the long grass. She's a fall-back if Pinpoint were to die, I name her BLOWDART.

I heal up at the Pokémon Centre outside Rock Tunnel then enter the immense darkness. I did teach Flash to Spoony, so I'll visiting the move deleter later on to get rid of this useless move... Anyway, I catch a Zubat, name it BATSHIT, as in batshit crazy - what is what we all go when we're bogged down by these cave-dwelling fuckers. :)

Rock Tunnel didn't cause me anywhere near as much trouble as Mt. Moon did, nobody died or even came close to dying - so we make it to Lavender Town fairly unscathed. In Lavender Town, I briefly stop at Pokémon Tower to battle Blue, but don't venture past the 1st floor, as I don't yet have the Silph Scope. Blue is easily dealt with, and we set off to the southern route (I forget its name) to grind some levels with the dopey fishermen trainers. 

After this, we set off to Route 7 and mooch about in the tall grass, but I don't find anything new to capture. I was hoping to find a Vulpix, but I think they only appear here in Blue/Red, not in Yellow. I battle the random trainers dotted about and grind some levels in the grassy areas; Chunky finally evolves!

On a related note, I bought a link cable from eBay and made an attempt to trade with my old Blue game to evolve Spoony and Chunky - but it turns out I've bought the wrong fucking cable - I've bought a Game Boy Advance cable, which apparently don't work with Game Boy or Game Boy Colour games. Fuck's sake. 

Upon arrival in Celadon City, I get the bonus items like the free TM and Coin Case, then pay a visit to the recluse at the back of the Celadon Mansion. I deposit Chunky in the PC to make room for my lovely feebie Eevee! (I name him SPIKE.) I also buy a few TMs and get a drink for the stupid thirsty guards at the entrances to Saffron. I hope they all enjoy sharing one bottle of water. (Yes, I'm cheap. :P)

While in Celadon, I also pick up a Thunderstone and evolve Spike up into an epic Jolteon. Ah, the days where Jolteon was clearly the best electric type Pokémon...

Before I headed off to Team Rocket's Hideout, I used Cut to get onto Route 16, where I caught myself a Doduo. I named it SPAZZIE - after Spazzie McGee - a.k.a. the emu in this viral picture: 

So, I go to the Rocket Hideout, nothing really eventful happens - I pick up all the items, beat all of the grunts - then kick Giovanni's ground-type arse with Leviathan and grab the Silph Scope. With this in hand, I head back to Pokémon Tower. 

Here, I capture a Gastly, who I name CASPER. He can be a psychic fall-back in case Spoony dies. I grind some levels here and then rescue Mr. Fuji and get the Poké Flute. 

Just one more thing I decided to do before getting Erika's Rainbowbadge - I went to wake up the two Snorlax. I capture one of them and knock out the other - the one I caught, I nicknamed SHELLY. After my fianceé of course. Snorlax became her nickname after I got her into Pokémon. :P

So, after all of this sidequest nonsense, I go back to Celadon to battle Erika - it all goes well until a wrap/poison condition kills Whoop-Ass! My second DEATH... Argh, and I haven't caught a replacement fire-type yet... 

Spoony finishes off Erika's team, and I go to pay my respects to Whoop-Ass. I put him in Box 12 with Chewy. :(

R.I.P. Whoop-Ass. :( 

TEAM: 6

STORAGE: 14

DEAD: 2

CURRENT TEAM:

TL;DR:

GIFT - Squirtle, level 15, TANKER

ROUTE 9 - Nidoran (F), level 17, BLOWDART

ROCK TUNNEL - Zubat, level 17, BATSHIT

GIFT - Eevee, level 25, SPIKE

ROUTE 16 - Doduo, level 26, SPAZZIE

POKÉMON TOWER - Gastly, level 26, CASPER

ROUTE 12 - Snorlax, level 30, SHELLY

WHOOP-ASS DIED! - killed by Erika's level 32 Gloom

[Part 3] [Part 5]

Pokémon Yellow Nuzlocke Challenge: Part 3

After beating Misty, I take the underground path through to Vermillion City, then take a break on Route 6 to grind some levels and battle the random NPCs. I also manage to catch an Abra, who I name SPOONY. Psychic is my favourite type, so I'm going to try my best to evolve him up and teach him some kick arse TM moves. 

Upon arrival in Vermillion City I picked up the Bike Voucher, but decided against getting the Old Rod, as I already have a Magikarp and in Generation 1, Old Rods couldn't catch anything BUT Magikarps! I run back to Cerulean City and get my ludacrisly expensive bicycle. Before boaring the S.S. Anne, I take a few steps into Diglett's Tunnel and catch my own Diglett; I call him WHACKA - after the character from the Paper Mario series who looks like a blue Diglett, basically.

On Route 11 I battle the trainers and grind a few more levels, as well as catching a Drowzee. Even though I already have my psychic type sorted out, I now have a fall-back in case Spoony gets killed. Anyway, I name him PENDULUM, grab the hidden Hyper Potion on route 12 next to the sleeping Snorlax then head back to the Pokémon Centre. 

I deposit good ol' Rattfratz, as normal types are now becoming rapidly weak and obsolete. I pick up Leviathan, who is now level 20 and evolve him up with a Rare Candy. Before boarding the S.S. Anne, I also evolve Spoony up to a Kadabra at level 16. I'm going to try later to see if my mega-faulty link cable can hold out for a trade to Blue/Red - I needs me an awesomely overpowered Alakazam, I do.

Nothing major happens on board the S.S. Anne - I pussy out and leave the boat a few times to heal - I'm not risking any more of my babies dying. Blue is dispatched easily enough, along with all of the sailors and absolutley loaded gentlemen trainers. I get HM01, teach it to Whoop-Ass. I may delete it later, but at the moment, he doesn't need to know Leer. Well, he NEVER needed to know Leer, really.

I go back through Diglett's Tunnel to grab the items I couldn't get without Cut - and I also find the aide who gives me a HM05 (Flash) for catching 10 Pokémon. Sweet, now Rock Tunnel is sorted. I MAY teach it to Spoony and delete it later, unless I catch something I can use as a HM Slave... Hrrrrm...

With that nonsense aside, I then went to battle Lt. Surge. I've already decided on what electric Pokémon is hopefully going to be in my final team, and thus which one will learn the Thunderbolt TM... Assuming all goes well... Regardless, Pinpoint and Spoony make short work of Surge's team, and we walk away victorious.

TEAM:  6

STORAGE: 7

DEAD: 1

CURRENT TEAM:

TL;DR:

ROUTE 6 - Abra, level 7, SPOONY

DIGLETT'S CAVE - Diglett, level 20, WHACKA

ROUTE 11 - Drowzee, level 17, PENDULUM

[Part 2] [Part 4]

Pokémon Yellow Nuzlocke Challenge: Part 2

After obtaining the Boulderbadge, I set off for Mt. Moon. On the way along Route 4, I kicked the arses of all the dopey junior trainers, especially those who felt the need to talk about shorts. 

When in the Pokémon Centre, I took up the offer to buy a Magikarp for $500, and names him LEVIATHAN; because I'm hoping to raise him into an epic Gyrados. I went back into the tall grass to train him and caught a level 8 Spearow, who I nicknamed SPUGGY. (Spuggy is a colloquialism where I live for sparrows. :D) - He got sent to Box 1 in the PC.

Barley 5 steps into Mt. Moon, I find a level 10 Geodude and promptly use Happy to catch him. I name him CHUNKY. Unfortunatley this is where I need to say goodbye to Happy. He's been useful so far, but now I'm replacing him with Chunky. I went back to the Pokémon Centre and swapped Happy for my new Chunky.

Going through Mt. Moon, beating the endless trainers and poxy wild Zubats - Pinpoint reaches level 16 and evolves! Time to find a Moon Stone...

Exploring the caves, I find a number of items, including a TM and TWO Moon Stones (one is hidden, by the way), so Pinpoint is now a fully evolved Nidoking. Awesome.

Then I started to find the Team Rocket grunts and... I got my first DEATH. CHEWY DIED! My starter Pokémon no less! 

R.I.P. CHEWY. :(

On the way out of Mt. Moon, I picked up the Helix Fossil and beat Jessie and James. I suppose Pokémon Yellow was trying to appeal to the fans of the anime who had never played Red or Blue - but it's going to be really weird playing through the rest of the game without a goddamn Pikachu! Nah, not really, every time I played through Yellow as a kid I always boxed the little fucker; he's useless and even refuses to evolve!

The state of my team after leaving Mt. Moon

I reached Cerulean City, healed up, did the general tasks and chit-chat around town. As I suspected earlier though, you can't release your stupid Pikachu, so I put him in Box 12. Let us forget about him. He's in a coma, shall we say.

I left Spuggy in Box 1 with Happy; I'd rather see what I can find on the next route, as I already have my bird Pokémon, Guano. And then I headed off for Nugget Bridge before facing Misty.

On Nugget Bridge, I encounter Blue again and make short work of his shitty team; almost all normal-types with Pinpoint and his Double Kick. I can already see Pinpoint ending up in my final team... 

Anyway, I beat the trainers on Nugget Bridge, then grab my lovely free Charmander from the NPC in the corner of Route 25 - I name him WHOOP-ASS. Then I wander in the tall grass and catch myself a Bellsprout. I name it WEEDKILLER, and he goes to the PC box. On the way to visit Bill, I battle all the random NPCs and grind some more levels in the tall grass; both Whoop-Ass and Guano evolve at level 16 and Rattfratz evolves at level 20.

Before fighting Misty, I take a walk around on Route 5; catch myself a level 3 Jigglypuff, name her PUFFY, unintentive, I know. 

I also drop off Leviathan at the Daycare centre for a bit - fuck me, levelling up a Magikarp is like pulling teeth... Then I go to Cerulean Gym and kick some arse - without any type advantages!

My current team

TEAM: 5

STORAGE: 4 

DEAD: 1

CURRENT TEAM:

TL;DR:

PURCHASED - Magikarp, level 5, LEVIATHAN

ROUTE 4 - Spearow, level 10, SPUGGY

MT. MOON - Geodude, level 10, CHUNKY

CHEWY DIED! - killed by Rocket's level 13 Rattata

GIFT - Charmander, level 10, WHOOP-ASS

ROUTE 25 - Bellsprout, level 12, WEEDKILLER

ROUTE 5 - Jigglypuff, level 3, PUFFY

[Part 1] [Part 3]

Pokémon Yellow Nuzlocke Challenge: Part 1

So, I've been wanting to get back into the old Pokémon games again. I originally wanted to play through Red (or Blue) while Shelly played with me on the opposite colour - but she's boring and won't play with me, so I decided that I'd attempt my own:

NUZLOCKE CHALLENGE: POKÉMON YELLOW EDITION

I kept some of the original rules, as well as adding my own. These are my TWELVE rules for my challenge:

1. Nickname all Pokémon

2. Pokémon that faint are DEAD, and are to be released

3. Only use basic Pokéballs

4. Do not buy any healing items from Pokémarts - only buy Pokéballs. Only use items found or given by NPCs

5. No running from battles

6. Can only catch ONE Pokémon per route/area (the FIRST one you see, unless have already caught one before, then you can take a mulligan, A.K.A. the duplicates rule)

7. After reaching a full team of six, new Pokémon can be caught, but cannot be used until a party member DIES.

8. Party members can only be switched for those in storage if they are FULLY EVOLVED (exceptions to the rule are Pokémon that require a trade to evolve, or Pokémon that don't evolve)

9. No trading from other game paks - trades can only be used to evolve the small handful of awkward fuckers who evolve when traded

10. With regards to the Safari Zone; I can catch ONE Pokémon per SCREEN (there are around 6 screens in all)

11. Revives/Max Revives CAN be used; but they cannot be purchased!

12. No glitches! No Missingno and no Mew glitch either!


So I start out, I name my character RED and his rival is BLUE; of course. (I was going to call him YELLOW, but it looked weird.) One thing I don't like about the original few Pokémon games is the fact that everybodys' names are in CAPTIAL LETTERS, so if you write your name properly, you look totally out of place.

I get the shitty starter Pikachu - name him CHEWY. Pikachu is such an overrated motherfucker. One thing that worries me is I don't even know if you can release your starter Pikachu in Yellow... Hrrrrm.

We beat BLUE in his initial fight, grind some levels on Route 1, got Oak's parcel and return to Pallet Town. I loop back on myself and buy a fuckload of Pokéballs, as many as I can afford. 

I return to Route 1 and catch myself a level 4 Ratatta, name him RATTFRATZ. German Pokémon fans will know, this is Rattata's name auf Deutsch. I think it's awesome. :)

I find the hidden Potion in Viridian City and go to Route 22. Here I run into a few Rattatas, kick their arses until something new appears - which is a male Nidoran. I use Rattfratz to catch him - HE ALMOST DIES, DROPS TO 1HP!!! - I name the Nidoran PINPOINT.

I grind a little more then walk ahead to the first encounter with BLUE - kill his new Spearow and old Eevee - CHEWY ALMOST DIES!!!! - get me some more moneyz. I grind some more, get Chewy up to level 10 and set off for Viridian Forest.

On Route 2, I make an attempt to catch a female Nidoran; but Rattfratz killed it. I'm not too bothered, at least I have one of the Nidoran family members.

Upon arrival in Viridian Forest, I use Rattfratz to catch a Caterpie, which I name HAPPY, inspired by Ritchie's Butterfree in the anime.

I mooched around the forest, battling all the retarded NPC trainers, picking up all the items and grinding levels.

Then I was at Route 3, while roaming in the little patch of long grass outside Pewter City, I caught a Pidgey, who I named GUANO. (For those who don't know, guano is the scientific name for bird shit. :P) I stayed where I was, building levels until Pinpoint learned Double Kick and Happy evolved up to a Butterfree. Now to battle Brock. :)

This was my team:

With Pinpoint's Double Kick, Brock was dispatched easily enough, and thus ends the first part of my Nuzlocke challenge. :)

STATS:

TEAM: 5

STORAGE: 0

DEAD: 0

CURRENT TEAM:

TL;DR:

STARTER - Pikachu, level 5, CHEWY

ROUTE 1 - Rattata, level 4, RATTFRATZ

ROUTE 22 - Nidoran (M), LEVEL 4, PINPOINT

ROUTE 2 - Nidoran (F) - CAPTURE FAILED

VIRIDIAN FOREST - Caterpie, level 4, HAPPY

ROUTE 3 - Pidgey, level 4, GUANO

[Part 2]