What Was Wrong With Brutal Legend?

For Christmas 2009, I received a shiny Xbox 360 and a stack of games - some pretty cool ones, some pretty average ones - and one I'd seen dancing about on the Internet a lot at the time, Brutal Legend.

I'm a massive fan of heavy metal - ever since I was a kid - I grew up listening to hard rock in my dad's car, 70s bands like Rainbow, ZZTop, Deep Purple and Whitesnake. When I discovered the joy of Limewire and Bearshare in my early teens, I discovered Slipknot, Cannibal Corpse and Rammstein - and then bought all of their albums - see, I rectified my piracy!

Heavy metal is still the soundtrack to my life - or any kind of metal, rock and punk to be fair - my wardrobe still consists of mainly band t-shirts and I still enjoy the odd headbanging session when I get the freedom to blast some music when I'm home alone.

Given this, it's no surprise that Brutal Legend appealed to me. Granted, I can't stand Jack Black - I like Tenacious D, but I cannot abide him as an “actor,” he grates on me something chronic.

From what I'd seen of Brutal Legend, it looked like a fun sandbox hack and slash based around heavy metal culture - with lots of cameos by awesome musicians, tons of references and homages and of course, a great soundtrack.

So imagine my disappointment as I gradually progressed through the game and all of the fun exploring at leisure and finding hidden collectables was buried under a mountain of God damn REAL TIME STRATEGY.

RTS is one of the genres that divides gamers - you either like them or they make you want to pull out your back molars with a pair of rusty pliers. Guess which side I'm on?

RTS bores me to tears - the only ones I can tolerate are tower defence style games, and even then I only really like the silly ones like Plants VS Zombies and South Park: Let's Go Tower Defence Play. And I'm not sure what it is that puts me off RTS games - I've given them a go multiple times throughout my life, starting early with the Asterix themed one on the PS1 - which at least had the deceny to break up the monotony with a handful of naff platforming sections. Jesus Christ; I still have flashbacks to the endless pouring of magic potions into Gaul and the constant deployment of cheaty scumbag Roman soldiers.

The main problem with Brutal Legend is that it hid it's RTS core from us. The trailers painted an image of explorative sandbox loveliness - it's like you went on a date with someone who claimed to hate One Direction but upon arriving to their place for “coffee,” it was served in mugs shaped like Harry Styles hair, then you were invited to a romp on their 1D bedsheets with a teeny bopper soundtrack.

The developers of Brutal Legend KNEW that if they blatantly told us it was an RTS, they'd immediately eliminate over half of their potential audience. So they tricked us, and we were starry eyed and stupid enough to fall for it. And I personally don't enjoy being tricked into doing things I'm uncomfortable with (see previous paragraph.)

If I ever figure out why RTS isn't for me, I'll let you know - but for the time being all you need to know is I don't like them and I DO like heavy metal inspired hack and slash sandboxes - or I would, if Brutal Legend had actually given me one...

Rareware VS Microsoft VS Nintendo - Comic!

Do you remember when Rareware (now known as simply 'Rare') were bought by Microsoft in 2002? They used to be in cahoots majorly with Nintendo and thus were responsible for some amazing N64 games, Conker's Bad Fur Day, Jet Force Gemini, Donkey Kong 64 and Banjo-Kazooie, to name a few.

But, around the time of the 5th console generation (PS2/Gamecube/Xbox/Dreamcast), Rareware were bought by Microsoft, and they started making games for the Xbox - including a remastered version of Conker's Bad Fur Day, the amazingly underrated Grabbed By The Ghoulies and later on, when the Xbox 360 was released, the Viva Piñata series and quite possibly the shittiest Banjo-Kazooie game ever, Banjo-Kazooie: Nuts & Bolts.

Anyway, I made a comic. I was doodling one day and basically drew the scene below - so I decided to squeeze out a comic using my very limited Photoshop skills.

So here it is, my interpretation of what happened when Microsoft bought Rareware:

Petty Victories: Fable Anniversary's Coin Golf & Hero Dolls

So, I pre-ordered Fable Anniversary like last July. It was due to be released in Europe on the 7th of February - I didn't get it until the 8th. RAGE. Zavvi.co.uk - get your shit together; when I pre-ordered Guitar Hero: Greatest Hits like 5 years ago, you sent me it the day BEFORE release day! And don't get me started on Play Asia; when I pre-ordered the U.S. version of Animal Crossing: Wild World, I got it like a whole two months before it came out here in the UK!

Anyway, with frequent distractions this week (i.e. Valentine's Day weekend alone with the fiancée and a chest infection earlier in the week), I've just finished it off, my play time clocking in at around 36 hours - but I did spend a lot of time pissing about, sneaking off with people to burn/shoot/kill them so I could buy out their houses, collecting everything and completing general sidequest shite.

To anyone who is an achievement whore and wants to add Fable Anniversary to their collection of 1000Gs - go for it, it's piss easy. Fable has always been an insultingly simple game, I've completed all 3 of them without ever actually DYING - but Fable II and III both have infuriating achievements that involve trading items online with other players - The Dollcatcher from Fable II and We Need Guns, Lots Of Guns from Fable III. I have neither. In both games, these little cunts of achievements are stopping me from getting the full 100%.

Gah, and in Fable II I even have a chicken suit! I've offered hundreds of people a trade: my chicken suit for the full collection of Hero dolls, but nobody wants to know. ¬_¬

So, Fable Anniversary has two missable achievements and one that requires the use of a device that can use SmartGlass - but the rest are all very easy to get. The only one that caused me to RAGE (again) was Fable Heroes. 

I don't like the pub games. (Yes, I DO have the XBLA title Fable II: Pub Games, but that was purely for bonus items and easy achievements) In order to get the full set of dolls, you need to beat scores at the pub games that are run by the tossers in the taverns, A.K.A. Gamemasters. Most of them are easy and can be made even easier with the use of the Slow Time spell - but one that FUCKED ME OFF no end was this pile of shite known as fucking COIN GOLF. 

(Yes, I know this is a screenshot from the original non-HD version, so shut up.)

Not only is it ridiculously BORING, awkward as fuck to control and is always played in a tavern which is filled to the brim with babbling fucktards who whoop and cheer simply because you're fucking sitting there - YOU HAVE TO PLAY IT TWICE. Once in Oakvale and once in Snowspire. 

Actually, the Snowspire's version isn't anywhere near as annoying. Every time I played, I only bet one coin - I didn't want to waste my money - and it was a good way to monitor how many times I needed to actually play the fucking thing. I did Snowspire's in about 30 attempts. Oakvale's took me over 100. 

Now I don't care if you can do it - judging by the reaction on various online forums, I'm not the only one who hates this fucking shite. It seems with the "HD Update" of Fable: The Lost Chapters, all Lionhead did was make the graphics a bit shinier. It's exactly the same as the original Fable, complete with the shitty 2004 controls and the unresponsive wank from your control and camera sticks. Of course, my case wasn't helped by the fact that my controller has a sticky left stick and tends to lock in place all the time - causing the coin to shoot off the table all the time without me even touching it... 

Regardless, when I did manage to get the last doll I needed, thus one of my last achievements - I took it upon myself to celebrate this small, petty victory:

My Xbox 360 Emergency Kit

Nothing is worse than seeing a one-day only awesome Xbox sale on DLC or XBLA arcade games and not having any available Microsoft Points. Also, when you're between cash, waiting for pay day and suddenly that amazingly expensive DLC suddenly has like 99% off and you have NO cash to get it - every serious sale-surfer should invest in my new invention; the Xbox 360 Emergency Kit:

What no gamer should be without.


(Made simply using an old cardboard box, a plastic documents wallet, glue and some double-sided tape.)