Bejeweled Blitz: My Ridiculous Scores

In addition to Burger, Fruit Ninja and Doodle God - I also like to play the phone version of Bejeweled Blitz. I would have splashed out for Bejeweled 3, but I didn't see the point; I have it on the Xbox 360 and my Nana has it on her PC, which I can play whenever I go round to see her.

I even got my mam playing it - purely because she needs to play good games on her phone, i.e. not fucking Candy Crush Saga or this other weird one: Jelly Cubes that she found somewhere. Because of the scoreboard that can link to your Facebook - I often get needlessly competitive with other people on the board. 

Though I will admit, currently, I have a massive advantage over everyone else. I was lucky enough to win ONE MILLION COINS on the Daily Spin. The equivalent to buying a million coins with real money works out at about £11. Seriously, who the fuck buys the shit these games try and flog? It's like buying boosters in Candy Crush Shite or the weird Farmville CASH which you could spend on shit like ponds and farmhouses for your stupid little farms.

Because of all this money I won, I can buy lots of cheaty gems that boost scores. During February, PopCap offered a limited edition gem that looked like a red heart. Using it caused MASSIVE points. I mean, REALLY massive. Using only the standard boosters and gems, my top score is about 500K. With this beast of a power-up, I managed THIS:

I don't even think it's possible to score 1M points in Bejeweled Blitz in such a short space of time. If you don't know, Blitz only lets you play for 1 minute at a time, probably to encourage the competitive nature of the Facebook scoreboard. All hail my ridiculous cheaty score. :D

Petty Victories: Fable Anniversary's Coin Golf & Hero Dolls

So, I pre-ordered Fable Anniversary like last July. It was due to be released in Europe on the 7th of February - I didn't get it until the 8th. RAGE. Zavvi.co.uk - get your shit together; when I pre-ordered Guitar Hero: Greatest Hits like 5 years ago, you sent me it the day BEFORE release day! And don't get me started on Play Asia; when I pre-ordered the U.S. version of Animal Crossing: Wild World, I got it like a whole two months before it came out here in the UK!

Anyway, with frequent distractions this week (i.e. Valentine's Day weekend alone with the fiancée and a chest infection earlier in the week), I've just finished it off, my play time clocking in at around 36 hours - but I did spend a lot of time pissing about, sneaking off with people to burn/shoot/kill them so I could buy out their houses, collecting everything and completing general sidequest shite.

To anyone who is an achievement whore and wants to add Fable Anniversary to their collection of 1000Gs - go for it, it's piss easy. Fable has always been an insultingly simple game, I've completed all 3 of them without ever actually DYING - but Fable II and III both have infuriating achievements that involve trading items online with other players - The Dollcatcher from Fable II and We Need Guns, Lots Of Guns from Fable III. I have neither. In both games, these little cunts of achievements are stopping me from getting the full 100%.

Gah, and in Fable II I even have a chicken suit! I've offered hundreds of people a trade: my chicken suit for the full collection of Hero dolls, but nobody wants to know. ¬_¬

So, Fable Anniversary has two missable achievements and one that requires the use of a device that can use SmartGlass - but the rest are all very easy to get. The only one that caused me to RAGE (again) was Fable Heroes. 

I don't like the pub games. (Yes, I DO have the XBLA title Fable II: Pub Games, but that was purely for bonus items and easy achievements) In order to get the full set of dolls, you need to beat scores at the pub games that are run by the tossers in the taverns, A.K.A. Gamemasters. Most of them are easy and can be made even easier with the use of the Slow Time spell - but one that FUCKED ME OFF no end was this pile of shite known as fucking COIN GOLF. 

(Yes, I know this is a screenshot from the original non-HD version, so shut up.)

Not only is it ridiculously BORING, awkward as fuck to control and is always played in a tavern which is filled to the brim with babbling fucktards who whoop and cheer simply because you're fucking sitting there - YOU HAVE TO PLAY IT TWICE. Once in Oakvale and once in Snowspire. 

Actually, the Snowspire's version isn't anywhere near as annoying. Every time I played, I only bet one coin - I didn't want to waste my money - and it was a good way to monitor how many times I needed to actually play the fucking thing. I did Snowspire's in about 30 attempts. Oakvale's took me over 100. 

Now I don't care if you can do it - judging by the reaction on various online forums, I'm not the only one who hates this fucking shite. It seems with the "HD Update" of Fable: The Lost Chapters, all Lionhead did was make the graphics a bit shinier. It's exactly the same as the original Fable, complete with the shitty 2004 controls and the unresponsive wank from your control and camera sticks. Of course, my case wasn't helped by the fact that my controller has a sticky left stick and tends to lock in place all the time - causing the coin to shoot off the table all the time without me even touching it... 

Regardless, when I did manage to get the last doll I needed, thus one of my last achievements - I took it upon myself to celebrate this small, petty victory: