Review: Plants VS Zombies

Plants VS Zombies is a 2010 novelty tower defence style game from Pop Cap Games, originally released for the PC then later ported to the Xbox Live Arcade, Nintendo DS, Android and iOS devices and all Beko brand washing machines. No not really, but if you own any form of electronic device, it's highly likely you'll be able to play some version of Plants VS Zombies on it. 

Firstly though a disclaimer; today I'm reviewing the GOTY edition available to download on Steam - so not all features I mention may be available on other platforms. Also, the free mobile phone versions are notorious for microtransactions and making the in-game currency as valuable as the Canadian dollar lately.

The basic storyline of Plants VS Zombies is as simple as they come - a hoard of brain-hungry zombies have chosen you as their target. In order to protect your brains, your neighbour Crazy Dave has provided you with a bunch of seed packets from the Bloom N Doom seed company - allowing you to grow your own army of both offensive and defensive plants in order to stop the zombies from crossing your lawn and helping themselves to a tasty morsel of grey matter.

Crazy Dave then continues to appear throughout the story campaign and the post-game content, mainly hosting bizarre mini-games, rambling weird stories and most usefully, selling you new seed packets, upgrades and other cool items literally out of the boot of his car - or as he calls it, Crazy Dave’s Twiddlidinkies. Other than the zombies themselves, he is the only character who shows up in-game, as you yourself are the unseen player character.

The story mode of Plants VS Zombies consists of 50 levels of increasing difficulty, first starting in your front lawn, then moving onto your back lawn (which also has a swimming pool) and eventually onto your roof, which is angled and all plants must be planted within terracotta plant pots. There are also levels that are set at nighttime and allow you the use of nocturnal mushroom and fungi plants and levels that are obscured by fog, rain, thunderstorms etc. Upon successful completion of each level, you will unlock a new seed packet - working towards a complete collection of 50.

In addition to the standard tower-defense style levels, there is also a huge collection of different mini-games, each with their own unique strategies. Some of them, like Beghouled and Beghouled Twist also borrow mechanics from other Pop Cap titles and mix it with the Plants VS Zombies style. There are mini-games that are based around luck (i.e. the Slot Machine) and conserving your sun, i.e. the Last Stand mini game in which you are given a set amount of sun to use to build up your defenses.

There are also two expanded mini-games, Vasebreaker and I Zombie. Vasebreaker is a combination strategy/puzzle game in which all of your plants and the invading zombies are housed within breakable pottery jars - and you must plan your moves carefully to ensure your brains remain uneaten. I Zombie turns the game on its head and allows you to use sun to purchase zombie invaders who will eat through cardboard cut-outs of plants in order to reach the tasty pre-removed brains on the other side of the field. Using a wide variety of different zombies with different skills, each setup will have its own unique solution or set of solutions - and it’s very satisfying to play for the bad guys for a change.

Somewhat out of place is the Zen Garden mode, which allows you to take control of your own greenhouse, watering, fertilising and caring for plants - starting out as shoots that are bought or dropped randomly during gameplay and raised until maturity - upon which you can sell them or keep them as part of your growing collection. Raising these plants is completely optional, but it does allow you to quickly and easily collect large amounts of coins to purchase the more pricey upgrades - and is ideal for gamers who just aren’t satisfied unless they’re collecting something.

Finally there is Survival mode - which is exactly as it sounds - using your already collected seed packets, items and upgrades, you are challenged to see how many waves you can survive and how long you can hold out against the non-stop horde until your brains are eventually eaten. This mode is brilliantly addictive and is great fun to try out new strategies or steal others you find on the Plants VS Zombies wiki and make your own personal adjustments to.

I honestly don’t know how, but I’ve somehow managed to sink over 200 hours into this game - it’s just bizarrely addictive. There’s near-endless different lawn defense strategies, tons of fun secrets and unlocks and no two players will ever defend their lawn the same way.

Review: Papers, Please

Papers, Please is a 2013 game by indie developer Lucas Pope, released on PC, Mac and Linux and later ported to the Playstation Vita. Quite possibly the most unique and innovative premise yet simultaneously dull sounding game in existence - Papers, Please is a paperwork simulator in which you assume the role of a border control guard in the fictional country of Arstotzka - checking passports and accompanying paperwork of those trying to enter the country and detaining any potential terrorists, smugglers or wanted criminals.

A very simple premise also features very simple controls - controlled exclusively with the mouse (and with some optional keyboard functions acquired later that I personally didn't use) - you click and drag the passports and paperwork onto your desk and inspect them for inconsistencies, expiration dates and signs of potential counterfeit documents. 

At your disposal you have a rule book, map of the continent, information regarding each country, a height chart and weight scales, fingerprinting ink and a x-ray machine - all of which will allow you to make the final decision of a green stamp allowing entry or a red stamp denying entry. And naturally anybody who is found with knifes or bombs taped to their thighs or is carrying fraudulent paperwork will be dragged off to the detention cells by the armed guards.

The fictional world to me resembles Germany around the time of the Berlin Wall - with countries divided into “East Grestin” and “West Grestin,” and possibly references neighboring countries like Poland and the Soviet Union. Fears around entrants being vaccinated against tetanus and polio and fears of human trafficking and smuggling also seem to fit within this real-world time period.

Occasionally your humanity will be called into question when you could reunite a mother and son or allow a person to immigrate to live with their husband despite having an expired passport or missing paperwork - but you will personally suffer a citation, lose your wages and potentially end up losing your job. The job, by the way which you “won” in a labour lottery due to jobs being so sought after in the poverty-stricken country - you must maintain a steady wage in order to feed your own family and heat the house in which they live - or else they risk becoming sick or potentially dying.

With each passing the day the rules become more and more strict - demanding that those seeking entry bring more and more different documents, including ID cards, visas, work permits, immigration forms and proof of vaccinations. Rules then demand regular searching of anybody from certain countries, matching height and weight to what's written down to the exact decimal place and cross examining everything they say to ensure no piece of evidence goes unchecked.

The slightest difference such as being a kilo overweight or spelling their name differently will demand further searching - such as taking their fingerprints, checking their background and having them strip completely naked to prove they're not hiding anything else. 

To further complicate matters, often there will be an applicant with a confusing gender - who may look male facially but their passport stats they are female. They must be subjected to a humiliating strip search where you physically examine their genitalia to either prove or disprove what the document says. Which to me seems like a breach of human rights for transgender or intersex people - but then again the game is set in 1983 so at least it's historically accurate - if not politically correct.

I recommend Papers, Please to anybody who can look past superficial things like graphics and storyline and can view unique indie games objectively - you gamers will be the ones who discover real gems and sink hours of your life into an experience you'll never match with any other title. If you're the sort of person who can't function without shooting something for 30 seconds, I recommend you click off this video now and go and choke yourself on Mountain Dew and Hot Pockets.

Perhaps you may struggle if you suffer from any difficulty like dyslexia or dyspraxia that hinders your ability to read - but the game demands a mixture of accuracy and speed, ensuring you can complete your assigned target promptly but also correctly, so don't rush and get sloppy - take your time, learn the rules and detain that convicted murderer on the front page of The Truth of Arstotzka!

Glitchfest: The Sims 3 - Weird Stretched-Out Children

When I play The Sims 3, I hate controlling large households of Sims - I prefer to play with a household of one, so I can focus all my attention on them without having to juggle tons of commands at once. The only problem with this is I like to make a Sim of myself - and obviously, I like my Sim to woohoo with a Sim of Shelly. See how faithful I am - I don't even like a virtual representation of me to cheat on a virtual representation of her. :)

Anyway, because I opt for the one Sim approach, my Sim is usually celibate - so I did some research to see if it was possible for CPU-controlled Sims to share a house with human-controlled ones. Long story short - yes, but it's awkward to set up and temperamental as hell.

Basically, you have to use a lot of console commands and the Sim had to start as a toddler, then age up to whatever life stage you wanted them to be - and you have very little control over their clothes/hairstyle/traits etc.

HOWEVER - after aging up child 'Shelly' Sim to a teenager, THIS happened:

Fuck it, she can just have a wank. :)

Tour Of My Fallout: New Vegas Lucky 38 Suite!

I've clocked a good few hundred hours into my Fallout: New Vegas save recently, and one of my favourite things to do is to decorate the player houses. I feel Fallout 3 was a bit lacking in this area, the choices of potential houses being limited to one of two, both being fairly small - New Vegas has the choice of the mammoth Lucky 38 suite; along with the Novac hotel room, The Sink, Father Elijah's underground bunker, the other casinos' high-roller suites etc.

Obviously, because I'm both a collector and a hoarder (I honestly pick up EVERYTHING), I needed a large space to display all of my stuff. I managed to grab all of the unique weapons and clothing, along with a collection of different unique items and DLC exclusive stuff.

While I didn't use any mods, I did use a few console commands to spawn some new furniture items in my house, like the electric hot plate in the kitchen (so I can cook), the toy box in the bedroom, the Nuka-Cola fridge in the games room etc. I also needed to use console commands to obtain the items that would be obtainable legit, but would only be available during the last story mission (i.e. Legate Lanius' helmet).

So, enjoy my 13-minute tour of my Lucky 38 suite, complete with bumbling narration:



I'm currently playing through Fallout 3 again, but I'm using a mod that allows ownership of both the Megaton house and the Tenpenny Tower suite - so I'll have two smaller houses, instead of this huge one. Console commands for new furniture may be applied, we shall have to wait and see. :)

The Impossible Quiz: Differences Between The Flash & Phone Versions

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WARNING:

If you have never played The Impossible Quiz before, 

PLAY IT NOW, then come back. 

I give away a lot of the answers in the following VERY LONG rant. Oh, and this rant is also VERY LONG.

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One of my favourite flash games is The Impossible Quiz, made by some hilarious and very talented British dude who goes under the name Splapp-Me-Do. I first found the game in around 2008 when it was only available to play through NotDoppler and of course, there was no such thing as an app version for your non-existent smartphones. 

After I finally got myself a smartphone (albeit a very obsolete Samsung Galaxy S2 that my mam gave me for nowt after she upgraded to an S4), I downloaded the free app and straight away I noticed that there had been significant changes made to the game.

Now I recommend playing The Impossible Quiz to EVERYONE. Anyone who has a half-decent computer that can manage to run an 8MB flash game - but if someone were to ask: "the flash version, or the phone version?" - I'd say the flash version. Here is why:

1) The flash version is the original - everything was made by hand, it has the original music and sound effects and none of the questions had to be changed.

2) The flash version is EASIER. Yes, most of the questions are the same, but for the questions that don't involve simply clicking an answer, using a mouse is a million times easier than sliding your fat sweaty fingers all over a screen that's like 3 inches wide. 

3) Some questions are FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE on the phone version. Some questions on the flash version allow you to run your mouse over the screen to find hidden buttons or to read all available answers before you click them. On the phone, you have to press and hold your finger as you slide it around a tiny screen, all of the information being blocked by your hand as your timer ticks down. Seriously. I've never actually completed The Impossible Quiz on the phone version because I have to skip question #92. And (*SPOILERS*), you require all of your skips to complete the final question, question #110. 

4) As well as making these quizzes, Splapp-Me-Do has also made some cool flash videos on NewGrounds - my favourites being Badly Drawn Dog and Sonic Breaks His Neck. The original flash version of The Impossible Quiz contains numerous nods to Splapp's earlier works, but the phone version has had a lot of them removed for some reason.

As I've finally figured out how to take screenshots on my phone, I've taken some shots of the phone version and some print screens of the original flash version and I'll show you the numerous differences that I noticed:

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Firstly, I'll start with some basic differences. For a start, the music is different. The original flash version's background music included the Rocky theme and Misirlou by Dick Dale for "The Epic 10" final group of questions. I have no idea what the music in the flash version is called, whether it's original music or not.

The flash version's questions were all written by hand - it gave the game a unique home-made style quality to it. The phone's version's questions are all written in the same font.  

Flash Version Title Screen

Phone Version Title Screen

This one is annoying. The whole point of The Impossible Quiz is that it's (almost) impossible. You have 3 lives and you need to answer 110 questions - some with countdown timers and some with insta-kills for incorrect answers. For some reason, the phone version introduced "Moron Marks", which act as checkpoints. Fair enough, when you use them you have to click through screen after screen of yes or no questions to confirm that you're a) a moron, b) of low intelligence, c) a quitter etc. I just think this whole system takes something away from the original concept; and I'm sure all of the other people (including myself) who managed to beat the original flash game without this little cheaty system will agree with me.  

The first question that is different is question #26, "Which of these place names doesn't exist?" - I love this one, namely because all of the real places are in the UK and I've seen several of them whilst out on the motorways. The correct answer is "Arsefacey", no such place exists (in the UK anyway).

I don't get why this question was changed? If it's because of causing possible offence, why not remove "Brown Willy" as well? And remember, in Britain 'arse' is a swearword too. And if it's because of too many little answers to click on a small screen - why not change practically all of the questions from "The Epic 10" too?

PC Version Question #26

Phone Version Question #26

The next question is question #34. In the PC version, the hint was: "Elephants don't like mice!" - in order to get the elephants to run into the mouse-hole, you simply moved your mouse cursor off the screen. Very clever. The phone's version is: "Elephants like being touched!" - do they? Yes, I know the question wouldn't have made sense otherwise, with there being no mouse and all, but I just think it's strange...

PC Version Question #34

Phone Version Question #34

Next is Question #40. I couldn't get a screenshot of the phone version of this because every time I tried, I failed the question because I took my finger off the screen (apparently). 

There are 3 different questions like this in both versions of The Impossible Quiz in which you have to navigate your mouse/finger though a maze of colour. In the flash version, you need to not touch the pink background by pressing right click and moving your cursor over the flash options menu. This is so fucking awesome. In the phone version, the hint is: "If only you had two fingers...", you keep one finger held on the left and tap on the right with another one. It's just not as epic, is it?

Next is question #43. Again, I have no idea why this one was changed, I'll leave you to draw your own conclusions. I do however really like the replacement phone version's question. Probably more than I like the original one. (The PC version's answer is "Tom Cruise", the phone version's answer is "Cataracts".)

PC Version Question #43

Phone Version Question #43

Question #46. The PC original has a screenshot from one of Splapp's flash movies I mentioned earlier; Sonic Breaks His Neck, with the answer to the "question" being: "OMGF U KILLED SONIKKU U BASTUD", Splapp himself previously stating this was a comment he got on NewGrounds. The phone version's question is far less interesting. The answer is just: "No".

PC Version Question #46

Phone Version Question #46

Question #53. Now this one I DO understand the change. A lot of flash games and movies get away with a lot because people tend not to make money from them, either from advertising revenue or whatever. The phone version of The Impossible Quiz DOES have adverts, so obviously, the game itself can't contain any. 

The PC version has a photo of a jar of Marmite (blargh!), while the phone version simply says: "Ma might". Which I think kinda ruins the whole joke. It's not like Splapp never mentions products or people in any of the other questions, so why not just write "Marmite?", it would make more sense. (The answer is: "...But Pa might not", by the way.)

PC Version Question #53

Phone Version Question #53

Next is question #59 - again I only have a screenshot of the PC version because you're on a 10-second timer and taking screenshots on the phone takes a few seconds to respond. This is a very minor difference; in the PC version, you are prompted with the text: "Charge ur lazer!", the whole question is an obvious reference to the popular meme of the time. The phone version is the same, it just lacks the text prompt. 

PC Version Question #59

Question #64 again is a case of changing the question due to not being able to advertise. The original question asks: "Which is true?" and 3 of the answers involve comparing the Nintendo DS to the Sony PSP. In the answer key, Splapp stated that the question was a sort of statement against console fanboys. The phone version replaces 'DS' and 'PSP' with the American organisations 'CIA' and 'FBI' - which I think is weird, considering that Splapp is British. Anyway, the correct answer in both versions is "Egg > 28".

PC Version Question #64

Phone Version Question #64

In question #71, a green square rapidly moves around the four answer boxes and you have to time your click/press so that you hit the green square. In the PC version, the text says: "Oh Christ...", the phone version says: "Oh drat..." - I assume the change was made to avoid offending overly religious Americans. Here in the UK, the vast majority of us don't give a shit about casual blasphemy.

PC Version Question #71

Phone Version Question #71

Question #71 has a weird change - you are faced with a black screen and need to find the light switch - which is on the far left side of the screen. Pressing it will cause the lights to come on, and you're presented with a picture of a lemur. I couldn't get a screenshot of the phone version because it only stays on for like 2 seconds, but the two photos are of different lemurs. This I do know, the phone version is of a ring-tailed lemur who looks very angry. Googling "angry ring tailed lemur" is not bringing up the picture unfortunately. 

PC Version Question #72

Question #80 has a complete change of question, again I don't know why. My only theory is that possibly some Romanians who don't bathe often enough were offended by the 'filthy Romanians' remark. Anyway, that's the correct answer to the PC version, but the phone version has a question that's similar to one from The Impossible Quiz 2. You have to press the "R" - get it, poke R?

PC Version Question #80

Phone Version Question #80

Question #83 is another straight change, but questions I really like, I can't decide which one is better... Probably the phone version because the PC version is a very old and overused joke. Who knows why this was changed? Maybe Splapp was overrun with comments from people who can't spell? Regardless, the answers are: "National Dyslexic Association" and "Fish". 

PC Version Question #83

Phone Version Question #83

Question #86 is a total change again, but I think I know why this one was done. The original PC version is a reference to the Katamari Damacy series, the answer is "The Prince", he wears green clothes and the 'sticky balls' are the Katamaris. Perhaps this is another case of not being able to advertise other games/products. The phone version is another old, terrible joke turned into a question, the answer is "Spain". 

PC Version Question #86

Phone Version Question #86

Question #88 was totally changed and I have no idea why. The PC version is like an interactive section from Splapp's flash movie 'Sonic Breaks His Neck', you need to click his leg rapidly in order to get Dr. Robotnik to snap it in half, then blood pours out everywhere. The phone version is a normal question, but retains the 10 second bomb countdown. The answer is "backwards stars", of course. (By the way, check out my dangerous timer on the phone version screenshot! Fucking wow. :P)

PC Version Question #88

Phone Version Question #88

Question #90 was totally changed too. Again, I can't figure out why - unless it was to respect the late Michael Jackson, who was still alive when the original game was made. Anyway, the answers are "Nonce", and "Jamaica?"

PC Version Question #90

Phone Version Question #90

Now for the questions from "The Epic 10", my favourite question is #101, in which you need to use the on-screen keyboard to spell CHIHUAHUA. I fucking love that word. Anyway, the premise is the same, but the picture of the actual chihuahuas have changed. In the flash version, it's a photo of a real one (correct me if I'm wrong, but I think it's the chihuahua from the Taco Bell adverts) and the phone version has a little cartoon one which I assume Splapp drew. :D

PC Version Question #101

Phone Version Question #101

And the final question that's different is #108. The PC version's hint is "The code is LOST" - the answer being "4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42". (No, I didn't watch Lost, I Googled it. :P) The phone version is a standard question, the answer being: "Don't worry, maybe some heroes will save it."

PC Version Question #108

Phone Version Question #108

And to conclude this VERY LONG post, let's look at the two different Game Over screens. The PC version is pretty basic, the phone version features a picture of The Impossible Quiz's cat - whose name is Chris. :D

The phone version then goes on to ask you if you want to use a Moron Mark, or offers to let you buy more lives. 

PC Version Game Over screen

Phone Version Game Over screen