Spyro 3: Year Of The Dragon - Funniest Dialogue

Today I’m going to share with you some of the funniest lines of dialogue from Spyro 3: The Year of the Dragon. Insomniac Games did an amazing job at making the original Spyro PS1 trilogy appeal to both kids and adults - and managed to include some genuinely funny dialogue without adding any adult humour to maintain its 3+ rating. One disclaimer though - this list is dialogue from the main game only - no cutscene dialogue - so unfortunately I shan’t be including this gem:

Why, you brazenly avaricious, duplicitous, larcenous ursine!

Tara
Not only is the character of Tara a full-on homage to Lara Croft - she even makes a mockery of the core gameplay of the original Tomb Raider series - “pressing switches” and “pushing boxes around” is literally all I can remember doing in the first games.

Sheila’s Haiku
The fact that all of the characters in Spooky Swamp speak in haiku is funny to begin with - but when Sheila comes out with this - I admit I LOL’d the first time I heard it. I just wasn’t expecting it!

Prince Azrael
All the way through Charmed Ridge, we’re made to believe that the Amy X Azrael scenario is a kidnapping or forced marriage - as it turns out, they’re in love and they’re eloping. What makes this scene even funnier is that Prince Azrael is a biker punk - check out his skull earring and motorbike!

Blue Hedgehog
Do I really need to explain this one? For some reason, we as gamers love it when references to other games show up, either as easter eggs, dialogue or just blatantly like Moneybags does here. It’s especially heartwarming when it’s not a negative reference to a character or series from a rival company.

Moneybags’ Haiku
The unique quirk of Spooky Swamp is that everybody there speaks in haiku - including the non-native NPCs like Sheila and Moneybags. Unlike Sheila however, Moneybags has a clear dislike of haiku, but ironically expresses this using the medium he claims to hate!

Happy Thoughts
Moneybags is such a sarcastic character in the 3rd iteration of Spyro - in the 2nd title, and his debut - he was more or less just a greedy scrooge-like character who was relatively nonplussed if Spyro were to refuse to pay his fees - as if to say, well it’s no skin off my nose if you can’t finish the game. In Spyro 3 however, he started taking things more personally and sometimes really came out with some zingers.

Hockey Players
Growing up, I used to go to watch a lot of live ice hockey games - so I knew they often got violent. Hearing Nancy say this so nonchalantly in an attempt to make Spyro feel guilty was just hilarious - though as this glorified escort quest was so bloody frustrating, watching her get whacked across the rink with a hockey stick made me LOL every time.

Another Sequel
A fine example of a developer poking fun at themselves here - and also a weird prediction for the future. At this point, Spyro was onto his 3rd main series game and was in development for a future installment, spin-offs and even crossovers with other franchises - a nice bit of foreshadowing and humour mixed together here, Insomniac.

Slick/Frozen Tongue
Hunter is my most-hated character from the Spyro universe - he’s cocky, overconfident and sometimes can be downright incompetent and obtuse for the sake of it - so seeing him get his comeuppance thanks to you failing is simply heart-warming. It’s also a really unique bet that the Yetis came up with - props to their creativity!

Someone So Purple
Not only is this quote borderline racist to purple-skinned beings, it’s also massively hypocritical - it’s being said by a PURPLE seal! Also, how does the colour of one’s skin affect one’s ability to perform tasks? Idiot seal.

Schooled 'Em
Hunter really knows how to embellish and elaborate, doesn’t he? This line is a vast improvement on his previous “dizzy one-toed sand Gnorcs” comment from a previous level. I really liked this quote and did my best to memorise it as a kid, I just thought it was genius.

Marco
In the vast majority of games, we as the protagonist are lead to believe that everything we do is for the greater good - that you couldn’t possibly be trying to reunite an estranged couple, one side of which wants nothing to do with the quest giver - and has even gone as far as to take out a restraining order!

Feel Really Cold
Another great example of programming in lines of dialogue that actually react in real-time to the things Spyro does and the changes that occur in-game. If you follow the clues to reach these gem barrels by freezing this NPC and using him as a step-stool, once he thaws, he expresses himself thusly.

Sorceress’ Butt
Oh dear Zoe. She has a point, The Sorceress is the most evil Spyro villain thus far - Gnasty Gnorc didn’t kill any dragons, he just froze them. Ripto didn’t hurt anybody, he just enslaved them. The Sorceress outright admits to planning to murder not just the dragons, but also the baby hatchlings - so insulting her appearance is sort of justified… Also, PEGI 3+ rating maintained eloquently.

Hip Hip Hooray
The Hummingbirds do their best to maintain a professional attitude to their CO and remain upright and represent the military as best as they can - but this soldier just couldn’t resist breaking the facade to express her joy.

Trampled
I really liked the attention to detail Spyro 3 added - such as characters having unique dialogue if you were to speak to them outside of the expected times - such as when they’re interacting with the world or its creatures. She has a point though - Spyro isn’t doing much to help this situation in reducing the risk she gets trampled by a water buffalo!

Moneybags Retires
One of the absolute best moments in Spyro 3 was when you got revenge on Moneybags and chased him around Midnight Mountain, flaming and charging him to get all of your extorted gems back. Spyro 2 did something similar, but just showed it through a non-interactive cutscene - Spyro 3 did it way better. To further cement his feeling of utter defeat, he resigns to retire to his most-disliked level and write haiku, which he also admitted to hating.

Cat Thing
Sometimes I forget that Hunter is a cheetah and thus is a member of the feline family. I love cats - so hearing cat-related jokes, puns and humour based around their species quirks is great. Hunter even follows through on this confession by never showing up in any underwater sections without first putting on a wetsuit to keep his fur dry!

Password
Another fine example of Moneybags being an absolute savage. I don’t even think this door even had a password, I think he was just acting as a greedy gatekeeper then rubbing your nose in it when you had no option but to cough up to get past him...

Kitchen Duty
Yep, clearly the seals found Bluto the Rhynoc as difficult as I did when I was a kid. I suffered numerous deaths at the hands of this cheating scumbag with his souped-up overpowered nuclear shark submarine. Yet when I did finally manage to destroy it using my naff little speedboat - oh, felt so good.

Spyro 2: Gateway To Glimmer - My Top 5 WORST Orb Quests

Ah, Spyro The Dragon. One of few 3D PS1 platforming mascots we all remember fondly, along with Crash Bandicoot, Croc and Rayman. The Spyro series is one of my favourite series from my childhood and each of the three titles from the original trilogy is one of the first games I can remember completing to 100%. (Or 120% or 117% if you're going to be pedantic.) Beautiful environments, catchy soundtracks and memorable characters make the PS1 Spyro series one to truly cherish and remember. However - not all moments are remembered as fondly as others. I already made a list of my favourite orb quests from Spyro 2; now we're doing the opposite. This is my Top (or in this case, bottom) 5 Worst Orbs Quests from Spyro 2: Gateway To Glimmer.

5 - Breeze Harbour; Gear Grab
First on our list is the Gear Grab quest from Breeze Harbour. Riding on top of an incredibly precarious “trolley” that makes infuriatingly annoying squeaking noises every time you jump, you must navigate around a track that’s littered with explosives, boxes and big gaps that you have to jump across. Even more confusing is the fact you have to shoot targets to change the track’s direction and it’s very easy to miss a gear and have to ride around in circles until you find it.

4 - Magma Cone; Crystal Geysers I & II
Next are Hunter’s Crystal Geyser quests from Magma Cone. I’m sure I’m not the only person who cannot abide Hunter as a character, the arrogant prick - so having him host annoyingly frustrating orb challenges does nothing to alleviate the flack he gets. Very similar to the Mr Vile the crocodile mini-game in Banjo-Kazooie, you must race against Hunter to see who can collect the most pieces of crystal from the geyser. The problem is of course, Hunter is a CPU and his AI is very good - he seldom misses and if you’re unaware (as I was as a kid) that you can charge in front of him and steal the piece he’s literally about to grab, you’ll be restarting this quest again and again.

3 - Metro Speedway; Grab The Loot
At number 3 we have the cat burglars quest from Metro Speedway. This speedway in itself is my least favourite of the lot and this bonus orb quest does nothing to help that. A bunch of burglars have stolen all of the city’s gems and are now clinging to the sides of buildings… you know, instead of escaping back to their hideout with the gems… Anyway, Hunter accompanies you and shoots the burglars with a laser gun, causing them to drop their bags of loot. Your job is to catch them before they fall into the canal. This is harder than it seems - as many of the burglars practically have their toes dangling in the water and it’s incredibly easy to misjudge the distance and take a dive yourself - instantly causing you to fail and having to restart over and over and over again.

2 - Cloud Temples; Agent Zero’s Secret Hideout
You know what 3D platformers of the 90s and today are lacking? Mandatory stealth sections. Wait, NO THEY'RE NOT! Stealth and platforming are two genres that don't mix and should never be combined - and yet here we are - the Secret Hideout quest from Cloud Temples does just that. Firstly, Agent Zero is a tosser. He has a face you just want to punch. Repeatedly. Everything about him, from his design, to his stupid voice to his animation just rubs me the wrong way - and this isn't helped by how frustrating his stupid orb quest is. Agent Zero is going to his secret hideout and refuses to move until Spyro hides behind a tree. Once he's satisfied, he lumbers off - and we must follow behind him whilst making sure we don't fall off the cliffs or get spotted. What makes this harder are very loose definitions of what are and what aren't hiding places, Agent Zero’s tendency to spin around in a paranoid manner and doors that are apparently on some sort of timer that will slam in your purple dragon face if you don't pass through them quick enough.

1 - Fracture Hills; Escort The Alchemist
And at number 1 on this list, we have one of the most annoying and frustrating orb quests - one that made me scream as a child and still makes me throw controllers as an adult - the Escort The Alchemist quest from Fracture Hills. The operative word here is ESCORT. Nobody likes escort quests! It is pretty much video game law that 99% of the time, the thick sod you're escorting will be defenseless, carrying something valuable or be prone to dying easily. The Alchemist is a bumbling fool attempting to bring a potion to Hunter, who has his feet encased in stone - which, incidentally is also the Alchemist’s fault! Standing between you and Hunter are a bunch of Earthshapers with clubs - who would just love to smash that potion vial… even more annoying is the fact the Alchemist is indecisive and randomly decides to change direction after you've spent ages headbutting the Earthshapers aside. Want to know the most infuriating thing though? Once you've freed Hunter, he has an orb quest for you where you can get revenge on the Earthshapers - but you need to have learned the Headbash skill - something you learn in the third world. When you return later with Headbash, you'll have to escort the Alchemist AGAIN!

Spyro 2: Gateway To Glimmer Skill Points Guide

There are a total of 16 Skill Points to obtain in Spyro 2 Gateway To Glimmer/Ripto's Rage. Each one will reward you with an extra life upon completion and collecting them all will allow you to view an amusing game epilogue upon completion as well as some scrapped art concepts for in-game enemies. Here's how to get them all.

Idol Springs - Land on Idol
In the area with the dancing hula girls is a large idol with a flat head... Go around the back of this area using the path to the left of the exit portal. Jump across the building with a straw roof and then glide across and land on its head.


Colossus - Perfect in Hockey

During the orb quest where you play a game of one-on-one hockey against the player in the red jersey, you must not let him score and end the match with the scores 0-5. Just keep flaming him and knocking him down.


Hurricos - All Windmills

In the Hurricos level, there are several wooden windmills dotted around. Destroy them all with Spyro's flame breath for a skill point.


Aquaria Towers - All Seaweed
In the Aquaria Towers level, there are several pieces of seaweed dotted around both the upper and lower parts of the level. As you are underwater, you will need to use the superflame power-up to destroy them.



Ocean Speedway - Under 1:10

This skill point is obtained by beating the speedway challenge in under 1:10. It is considerably easier if you have obtained the 100% superflame reward from Dragon Shores. (Here's a video of how I did it.)



Crush's Dungeon - Perfect

This skill point is obtained by defeating the boss without taking any damage. It is easier if you have already obtained the superflame reward from Dragon Shores, but is simple enough without it. 



Skelos Badlands - All Cacti

In the Skelos Badlands level, there are several tall cacti dotted around. Destroy them all with Spyro's flame breath for a skill point.


Skelos Badlands - Catbat Quartet
Behind the exit portal in Skelos Badlands, there is a concealed area that can be gotten to by climbing some steps. Up here are four catbats - they are flying so it is easier to hit them with lava rocks than using flame breath. Defeat them all for a skill point.



Scorch - All Trees
In the Scorch level, there are several palm trees dotted around. Charge into them and they will drop a coconut. Hit them all for a skill point.



Fracture Hills - 3 Laps of Supercharge
During the orb quest where you break the trapped faun out of the locked building with supercharge, you run around a distinct track. This skill point is obtained by completing 3 laps of this track without crashing or stopping. Simply veer off to the left and go through the supercharge powerup instead of charging into the building's doors.



Metro Speedway - Under 1:15
This skill point is obtained by beating the speedway challenge in under 1:15. It is considerably easier if you have obtained the 100% superflame reward from Dragon Shores. (Here's a video of how I did it.)



Icy Speedway - Under 1:10
This skill point is obtained by beating the speedway challenge in under 1:10. It is considerably easier if you have obtained the 100% superflame reward from Dragon Shores. (Here's a video of how I did it.)



Gulp's Overlook - Hit Ripto
Ripto is watching this boss battle from a throne at the side of the arena. To get this rather funny skill point, fire a rocket at him or shoot him with the 100% superflame reward from Dragon Shores.



Gulp's Overlook - Perfect
This skill point is obtained by defeating the boss without taking any damage. It is easier if you have already obtained the superflame reward from Dragon Shores, but it can be obtained without it. 



Canyon Speedway - Under 1:15

This skill point is obtained by beating the speedway challenge in under 1:15. It is considerably easier if you have obtained the 100% superflame reward from Dragon Shores. (Here's a video of how I did it.)



Ripto's Arena - Perfect
This skill point is obtained by defeating the boss without taking any damage. It is easier if you have already obtained the superflame reward from Dragon Shores, but it can be obtained without it. You cannot take damage in ANY of the three phases of this boss fight.

Spyro 2: Gateway To Glimmer - My Top 5 Orb Quests

Spyro 2: Gateway to Glimmer was the first game I played on my Playstation, and was the first game I completed to 100% - yes, in Europe it’s known as Gateway to Glimmer, hold your comments. Anyway - one of the objectives required to achieve said 100% is to collect all 64 orbs - each one being rewarded after completing a task or quest of some description. Some are fun, some are tedious - some I replayed over and over, as they were awesome - some I avoided like the plague, as I hated them so much. Today I’m counting down my Top 5, my personal favourite orb quests from Spyro 2.

5 - Icy Speedway, Parasailing

When I first played Ocean Speedway, I thought that I was going to hate all of the speedway levels - and I was right, except for Icy Speedway - a refreshingly simple speedway challenge, which also includes a fun orb quest. Hooked to a parachute, you must maneuver through a set of 50 colourful rings - you may screw it up once or twice, particularly when the rings come quickly at the end - it’s the fun kind of frustrating, not the sort of frustrating that makes you want to quit the level.

4 - Crystal Glacier, George The Snow Leopard

At first glance you might think, “ugh, an escort quest,” but George the snow leopard is quite possibly the cutest thing you'll ever have to escort in a game. He's rather obedient too - easily persuaded by fish - all you do is to wait by the fishing holes and torch the fish for George to eat - then he’ll happily follow you - and he purrs!

3 - Zephyr, Cowlek Corral I & II

Bo Peep is by far my favourite Spyro 2 character, she's absolutely hilarious - I'm totally on the side of the Land Blubbers in the Blubber VS Breezebuilder war. The quests are simple enough, charge or flame the cowleks and round them up into their pen. What I like about the cowleks are that they're unlike most creatures you have to herd in games - they're actually obedient, they don't wander around or walk off of edges - these ones even walk to the edge of this ledge ready for you to butt them across the gap!

2 - Idol Springs, Foreman Bob's Puzzles

This quest is actually made up of three smaller quests, all of which involve some sort of logic puzzle. Firstly, we have a classic “turn all objects to one colour puzzle,” jumping on blocks to turn them all to yellow. Next we have to feed a hungry idol 10 fish, but only the types of fish he likes, feed him red fish and he’ll vomit up the other fish you've already fed him. And the last puzzle is a memory puzzle in which you need to work out the right order to press coloured stones. It's incredibly satisfying solving each one.

1 - Mystic Marsh, Trading Quest

This quest is one that requires you to explore the level and use logic to solve each piece of the puzzle. The Professor has lost his pencil and gives you an egg that you may be able to trade for a pencil. What ensues is a string of trading one item for another - an egg for a seed, a seed for a rubber duck, a rubber duck for an onion, an onion for a coin and finally a coin for a pencil. What I love about this quest is that the first time I attempted it, I had to really think about the objects and areas in Mystic Marsh and figure out where I could use each item. The egg in the bird’s nest was straightforward enough, but figuring out to add onion to a soup and using a coin in a wishing fountain to wish for a pencil - pure genius.