Reasons Why Candy Crush Saga Is SHIT

There, I said it.

No doubt the "millions of Facebook fans" will be reeling.

I admit it, I did once play this pile of shite. It was more down to peer pressure than anything else - my fiancée bugged me into playing it (though she usually has reasonable taste in games, of course not as good as my taste or my brother's taste in games), she made a big mistake in asking me to play it.

I played it for a couple of weeks then realised how shit it actually is.
Instead of ranting, I shall present my reasons in a lovely LIST:

 

REASONS WHY CANDY CRUSH SAGA IS SHIT:

1) It's not an original idea. You know EXACTLY what I'm talking about PopCap games - why don't you sue their fucking arses off?

2) It's repetitive and BORING.

3) People constantly feel the need to send you wank requests that clog up your Facebook wall.

4) King.com are complete moneygrubbers - every two minutes they're all like "BUY SOME LIVES" or "BUY SOME BOOSTERS" - the only time I use REAL money for games is for DLC that will stay on my harddrive indefinatley; not a virtual lollipop that only lasts ONE CLICK.

5) The sound effects are horrendous.

6) The announcer is absolutley horrific and every time I hear his voice I get psychotic urges to stick those huge novelty Drumstick lollies up his arse.

7) The "candies", half of them bear no resemblance to any real candy that I know of!

8) These "boosters" that you have to actually pay for - they're USELESS!

9) Your fiancée and mother have a tendancy to come in your room while you're playing something worthwhile like Fallout or Borderlands and drag you onto your PC so that you can stop their whining: "SEND ME A TICKET...!"

10) Did I mention it's a complete rip-off of BEJEWELED?

11) After a while it just gets hard for the sake of being hard. Or perhaps hard for the sake of trying to squeeze money out of people coz you can't beat certain levels without the shitty little boosters!

12) It actually has a fucking telly advert. A really shitty telly advert that feels the need to come on during decent programmes on ITV and annoy me.

13) It's a Facebook game. I'm yet to find a Facebook game that is decent.

14) It has a tendancy to fuck up dramatically. I know this from listening to friends whinging about glitches and their lives not refilling and all this other shite.

15) Oh, you have to wait 20 minutes for a refill of lives. Is this to deter people from spending too much time in front of a screen? NO! It's to encourage people to spend like 70p on LIVES!

16) People who play it on tablets and iPads can easily cheat the lives system by fucking around with their internal clock. Not only do these people have no lives whatsoever, they're also making it unfair for their bizarre competitive 'friends'.


If anybody feels the need to play this pile of wank - I want to know why. Why waste your time on a "free" (and I use that word very loosley) shitty little flash game when you could pay a tiny price of like £10 for something FAR superior:

 

 

And Bejeweled 3 is endorsed by my awesome gaming granny - yeah, my 72-year-old Nana who plays PC games. She loves Bejeweled. She doesn't like Candy Crush Saga! Listen to the wisdom of your elders!

And to all my infuriating Facebook friends, I bid you this:

Gamer's Wardrobe: Vault 101 T-Shirt

Another frequent feature to my blog is my new "Gamer's Wardrobe" collection of posts - where I shall model my top gaming swag, T-shirts, hats, wristbands; whatever I happen to own or have purchased recently.

Today I present to you: The Vault 101 T-Shirt

[Amazon.co.uk link]

[£.9.98 from Zerg Tees, sizes S-2XL]

For the Vault Dweller who needs a bit more mobility, something less restricting than their bulky Vault Jumpsuit. :D

The T-shirt itself fits comfortably, is printed well (not the usual 'shiny' cheap-looking T-shirt print, it's suitably worn-looking, just like a real Fallout piece of clothing) and is nice and cheap for gamers on a budget.

Product Review: Bob-Omb Candy

In response to my last post, I DIDN'T get a Pot Noodle in the post (thankfully, coz I don't like the Bombay Bad Boy ones, I like Chicken and Mushroom), I DID get my little Mario Bob-Omb along with a bottle of Bawls Guarana - and because American Soda are awesome, I got a free box of Wonka Everlasting Gobstoppers too (which my fiancée and I are prone to buying from import shops because they're awesome.)

Anyway, the Bob-Omb itself, while being reasonable in terms of candy, is a pretty sweet toy. The wick is moveable, as is the wind-up key on its back and  it stands at around 2" tall - so even after eating the candy stick and sherbet inside, it's a cool collectible or a toy for a kid.

Bob-Omb Flavoured Pot Noodle?

OK Amazon, what the actual fuck?

I've recently ordered a handful of cool video game candy and products because I want to write some product reviews on my blog - so when I saw these little plastic Bob-Ombs from Mario that are filled with candy, I thought they were pretty cool:

 

[Amazon.co.uk link]

 

 

Well, for some reason when I checked my e-mails for the dispatch information, I saw THIS:

 



 

What the hell, I did NOT order a Bombay Bad Boy flavour Pot Noodle. I ordered a Mario Bob-Omb. (The same picture also shows up in my order history...)

If I end up getting a Pot Noodle in the post, I shall not be pleased.

I Completed Final Fantasy VII When I Was Five

Today is my big brother Ian's birthday - (I bought him Heavy Rain for the PS3 and Borderlands GOTY for the Xbox 360, so he can play it with me online bwhaha) - so I'm recalling a story from when I was 5 and he was 17 - the day I COMPLETED FINAL FANTASY VII WHEN I WAS FIVE.

For weeks I'd been watching Ian play Final Fantasy VII - I didn't really understand the story, but I remember the key moments of a) blowing up reactor 1, b) fighting the Lost Number inside the Shinra Mansion and c) breeding the Gold Chocobos. I liked watching the boss battles the best, because there was lots of magic and summon monsters were awesome - especially Ifrit.

Ian also changed the names of a few of the characters - I remember Cait Sith being named 'Whoop Ass' for some reason - Barret was 'Barre', he blamed his friend for deleting the T, and Tifa was 'TifaA' - I made the joke that if he were to play it again she should be TifaB.

Anyway, I was watching the final boss with Sephiroth in The Crater - and after defeating now what I know were Bizarro and Safer Sephiroth - then came the mother of all endings - the OMNISLASH finisher - with BLOOD!

A.K.A. - THIS:
(video provided by YouTube user boubaks7895)

Anyway - Ian then gave me the controller and told me to PRESS CIRCLE when it says LIMIT BREAK. I was an overexcited child and just manically bashed the circle button - but did press it at the right time and therefore, finished Final Fantasy VII when I was FIVE. :D

The Tower Of Games

One day in December (I'm guessing around 2009 or 2010) my fiancée and I were bored - so we decided to do something I'd always wanted to do - build a TOWER OF GAMES.

Previously, my big brother had said if both he and I were to collect all of our games and lay them down side by side, they could easily make a snake domino line thing throughout every room in the house - but that sounded kinda dangerous, so I went for the safer and somewhat easier idea of the TOWER OF GAMES.

We started with the bigger boxes at the bottom (those in DVD-style cases), then went to the smaller PS1 games and finished with Nintendo DS games. At the time I probably only had about 350 games - I didn't have FOUR full silver game racks, nor had I had to allocate ALL of my shelves to be used for games while my books were banished either under my bed or into a storage box. But we did manage to touch the ceiling:

(Note the circled area - how my shelves all ended up BARE. Also, I no longer own those Guitar Hero: World Tour drums, because my friend and I bashed the hell out of them and destoyed them.)

Come to think of it, when this picture was taken, I don't even think I had an Xbox 360!!!! (Which I own an excess of 120+ games for now!)

I think due to the magical arrival of the student loan, I managed to almost triple my games collection since then - I could probably make around two and a half full towers now! (I might try it one day!)

I also made myself a demotivator to go with the TOWER OF GAMES:

I now own an Xbox 360, a Mega Drive, a PSP and a 3DS since that photo was taken - my next tower will be THREE TIMES as awesome!

My Xbox 360 Emergency Kit

Nothing is worse than seeing a one-day only awesome Xbox sale on DLC or XBLA arcade games and not having any available Microsoft Points. Also, when you're between cash, waiting for pay day and suddenly that amazingly expensive DLC suddenly has like 99% off and you have NO cash to get it - every serious sale-surfer should invest in my new invention; the Xbox 360 Emergency Kit:

What no gamer should be without.


(Made simply using an old cardboard box, a plastic documents wallet, glue and some double-sided tape.)

Why I'm Better Than You At Guitar Hero

While playing Guitar Hero: World Tour on my friend's Wii one day, I suggested she download the custom song I'd made the previous week - a heavy metal version of Saria's Song from The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time. (Providing the GHTunes feature on the Wii still exists as of writing this, it still should be available to download!)
So, I played on Expert bass, which was the hardest track, my now-fianceé played on Expert guitar and my friend played Beginner vocals (despite custom songs not actually having words, there is still a pitch bar to follow, basically you hum the tune). Anyway, this is our final score screen:

I got 128%. One-hundred-and-twenty-eight percent. Nobody else can get 128%, only me. This is why I'm better than you at Guitar Hero.

Hahaha, it was probably a freak glitch on the Wii's part, or the programming of the GHTunes track - either way, we never managed to do it a second time.