I HATE FUNKO POPS

With the constant threat of global warming and the exhaustion of the earth's fossil fuel supply - we need to attack the source - which company is wasting a vast amount of plastic that could be better used elsewhere?

Coca Cola? Lots of plastic bottles… no.
Amazon and eBay? Lots of plastic packaging… no.
McDonald's? Plastic cups and straws? ...no.

The company that is to blame for wasting massive amounts of plastic and simultaneously charging consumers an extortionate amount as they do so - FUNKO POP.

I am fucking sick of God damn Pop Vinyl figures. They're everywhere, they're ugly and they represent a far greater evil than the depletion of fossil fuels - to homogenise and destroy every single franchise we hold dear.

Whether it's The Walking Dead or Winnie the fucking Pooh - every single Funko Pop figure is exactly the same - they've stripped each character of their own individuality and personality by inflating their heads and dilating their pupils to the point where they'd be admitted to A&E.

They've somehow managed to emasculate every franchise made for adults and somehow make children's franchises even more sickening. I don't understand the appeal of collecting figures where every single character is exactly the same!

To further add insult to injury - they're inescapable - whether you're at a game store, comic shop, convention or event - you'll be greeted by endless walls of these monstrosities everywhere you turn.

And god forbid you subscribe to one of the fifty thousand mystery subscription boxes plaguing the Internet - you won't be able to open your mail without getting gang raped by physically deformed plastic dwarfs.

Through absolutely no fault of my own, I've somehow ended up with 3 of these fucking things - and I have never knowingly or willingly purchased one!

Which brings me to my next point - in cases where they somehow CAN'T mutilate one of our beloved fictional characters, they just release a generic figurine that doesn't fit in with the rest of the mutants. Some examples that immediately spring to mind are Alduin from Skyrim, the Rosie from Bioshock and one from my own reluctant “collection” - Claptrap from Borderlands.

This is CHEATING - you've assigned yourself to warping all of these characters into goblins with bee stings all over their heads - stick to your own god damn formula! Don't just release generic figures that the original creators could have made themselves - at a higher quality, no less.

And to any franchise that does whore out their property to Funko - you're nothing but SELL OUTS, pure and simple. Aw, you're not selling enough Walking Dead comics - better inflate all of your characters into toddler toys.

Not making enough money from putting Bioshock on sale on Steam every 3 seconds? Better turn on the fucking BIG HEAD MODE cheat! Scratch that - the aborted EMBRYO cheat.

Funko Pop themselves are even sell outs - shoehorning their ugly wastes of plastic into keyrings, blind bags and other massively overpriced merchandise that can be further overpriced by some scummy vendor at a comic convention.

And if I open another parcel to have yet another fugly fucking Funko Pop leap out at me - I'm going to personally strap down Funko’s CEO, fill their eyeballs with ink and inject their skulls with silicone until they can see for themselves what they're doing to our favourite characters. Saying that, the tortured CEO Funko would probably sell for like £300 on eBay after it got vaulted.