Everything WRONG With The Legend Of Zelda: Wind Waker HD

I got a Wii U for Christmas. :)
I got the awesome Wind Waker HD premium pack. 

However, what is not so awesome is the fact that the fucking game was a download code and not a disc copy - and due to the fact that all the other dipshits who got Wii Us for Christmas were clogging up the servers, it took me TWO FUCKING HOURS to get my account set up, all the updates and bullshit and THEN download the game because I kept getting shitty ERROR MESSAGES. (I wasn't the only one - my big brother Ian, who also got a Wind Waker HD Wii U had the same problem.)

So EVENTUALLY, I got the game and started playing it. And I've come to the conclusion that there are three types of people who play The Legend Of Zelda: The Wind Waker HD.

1) People who played the game on the GameCube 
2) People who played the fuck out of the game on the GameCube, collected everything, finished all of the sidequests and probably finished the game about 10 times
3) Total fucking RETARDS

(I'll let you figure out which category I am in.)

I was 12 when I first played the Wind Waker - I only wasn't younger because that's how old I was WHEN IT CAME OUT - so the people who I'm about to rag on have NO excuse. They can't say: "durrr dude, I'm only 12 innit" - WELL SO WAS I. When I finished the game WITHOUT using any internet help or help from the fucking ridiculous MIIVERSE. 

One of the things I liked best in the original Wind Waker game was the TINGLE TUNER. The Wii U gamepad seemed like the perfect opportunity to bring it back. But NO - you get the opportunity to take fucking Link SELFIES and post them to other braindead fuckholes! I've turned off the Tingle bottles for two reasons: 

1) All three of my awesome posts including COLOUR photographs of boss monsters got removed by administrators because I included a link to my amazing blog you are currently reading. Why? Because apparently it violates the code of conduct. HOW THE FUCK DOES IT? IT'S A FUCKING BLOG! It's not like I'm linking 12-year-olds to fucking www.cakefarter.com or something. (If you are 12, I advise you not to click on that link. :P)

2) Everyone who does post on it is a TOTAL and UTTER FUCKING RETARD.

I'll give you some examples:

Example 1:

"Durrr, help me, I've run out of bombs!"

Errr... USE YOUR FUCKING BOOMERANG. I finished the game, killing every single Octo ONLY using the boomerang! 

Example 2:

"Durrrr, how do you get the colour Pictobox?"

USE YOUR FUCKING BRAIN. In the original game, you had to go to the Forest Haven and catch a forest firefly - And 2003 audiences worked this out fine by themselves! 2013 audiences have had this part of the quest totally removed and now get it for half of the fucking effort by simply doing Lenzo's tasks - which were also required in the last game WITH the firefly! Everyone on Windfall Island talks about Lenzo, the PHOTOGRAPHER. Lenzo the PHOTOGRAPHER who lives in the building with a big PICTOBOX outside above the door? For FUCK'S sake!

Example 3:

[This was a picture of the bombs stuck in the wall in the Dragon Roost Cavern]

"Durrrr I'm stuck!"

OMFG. I worked this one out when I was 12 within fucking SECONDS. There's a big pile of fucking rocks next to the bombs - THROW ONE AT THEM. It's not fucking difficult!

Example 4:

"Durrr, I can't find the Ghost Ship!"

(Yes, I know this person actually HAS found the Ghost Ship...)

Are you fucking serious? I worked this one out on my own when I was 12 too. YOU HAVE A CHART. WITH PICTURES OF ISLANDS ON IT. AND PICTURES OF MOONS ON IT. Are you sure you're not in some sort of support base at school? 


Sometimes, (and by "sometimes" I mean like 1 post out of every 200) someone does post something genuinly funny, like this:

But most of the time, it's just a slew of fucking crap - so I've turned the bottles off. I have a habit of collecting ANYTHING that's sparkly and nice, so I'd rather not be collecting bullshit. 

I have some other qualms with Wind Waker HD too...

1) Why the fuck do we have a TARGET under us when we use the Deku Leaf? 2003 audiences didn't, and we managed just fine!

2) Why can't you doodle on the sea chart? This would have been an amazing feature - I like to take notes if there's a place you can come back to - and it's not like this hasn't ever been done in a fucking Zelda game with a touchscreen before.... 

3) WHY did you fuck up the Pictobox quest? You actually made it EASIER and we still have retards whinging about it!

4) Why the fuck have you made the Magic Armour use rupees instead of err... MAGIC? You could have a fucking stash of 5000 rupees and use your armour for fucking HOURS - we 2003 audiences had a limit on our sneaky dirty armour use. 

5) Why did you fuck about with the Triforce chart quest? I mean COME ON, if you're going to change shit, at least put the shards in a DIFFERENT place to where the charts were!

6) Why did you make the Forest Water last 30 minutes instead of 20? We 2003 audiences managed to do the sidequest with a 20 minute time limit!

7) Why the FUCK did you replace the Tingle Tuner with this Link selfie-Tingle bottle CRAP?!


(However there are a few things I DO like about the HD update...)
1) Hero Mode: I did the 3-heart challenge on the original game, so this was an amazing new idea...
2) Fast Sail: This thing is an absolute BABE!
3) Pictobox capacity: Previously, it only held 3 photos, now it can hold 12 - always a plus...
4) And a HD remake in general: I have an excuse to play my favourite Zelda game again, in HD! (Though HD cel-shaded graphics doesn't REALLY change much....)